Wednesday, October 16, 2013

One Year

Its been a year. And I am just amazed at how things change. One year ago, I was back in India during Durga Puja. And now I am in the same scenario. But its a sea of difference. Never thought I would say this but with time it really does change.
Two years ago, I was just myself. No baggage involved. Just around this time I came to India and perhaps got to know her. And from there started a journey which perhaps can be best summarised as When Harry met Sally. An incredible mix of timing mismatches. When she tried, I didn't. When I did, she didn't.
Last year and this year, the same places but different situation. When I landed and came back, I told her a wrong time and then I was on the phone with her. This time I was just by myself.

Last year when I landed, she asked me to come meet her. First it was at Manali, then it was Lucknow. It was to be by giving up my puja but it didn't happen that way. This time there were no plans.

Last year while at sushant lok durga puja, I was in the pandal waiting for bhog and she called. We spoke for a very long time. This time it was just me.
When I parked my car at Birla Temple and was going to see the pujo at New Delhi Kali Bari, she kept calling and I sat down at the parking and spoke. Her pujo was different. She was at home for most of shahsti and saptami. Then I think on Ashtami she got a car and went out with her family. The they went to a family get together and then had awesome mutton curry. That's when she told all these things to me. She was at home and she desperately wanted to talk.
I kept on sneaking around while travelling in Delhi with my mom and we kept on talking on the phone while Maa was not around.
This year I simply parked my car, remembered all these things and then walked on.
There are so many more instances and memories. While I was in Delhi we were on the phone. This year at every such place I visited I kept on remembering her. Hoping I could still talk. Wishing she was around.
We had discussed in detail. The plans were laid out well. We agreed next year we would meet in Sushant Lok Durga Puja. Irrespective if we were together or not. We had agreed to meet and had stories of how we would escape from there, mingle with the crowd. Last year we discussed it all. We knew that we may not be together next year. But we were in love last year. We didn't agree or care with the fact that we will not be getting married. Like eager teenagers we had plans of escaping in the crowd and then heading of to a place where we would be together. We imagined how she would be in a saree with her husband and I would be with my family. And yet without the regular Hi, our eyes would communicate.
This year things had changed. This year I was in love. The we had disappeared. This year, I waited at the puja. All along, all days at the lunch time. Hungry eyes searched for her desperately but I kept searching. She never did come.
Yes a few days later last year we met finally and spent the most beautiful and honest time of our lives. We parted with an unsaid understanding that love existed, unsure of what the future had and a satisfaction that at least we had met and touched each others soul. I knew that at least after our meeting I would not regret that I didn't try. What pursued after our meeting last year was intense discussions and persuasion with her family to make it work, but unfortunately it didn't. She eventually got married and I broke me heart. What started of with a harry met sally unfortunately never finished in the way it did in the movie.
She moved to Gurgaon and after a few months we started speaking and yet we realised we haplessly couldn't help it. We called it off and then its been four months since we haven't spoken. We broke off finally and she told me that we would never ever talk again in our lives.
I came back and haven't called but nonetheless I thought may be despite everything, there are something which wouldn't change. And so I waited. Waited everyday at the pandal to get a glimpse of her. Going back to a prehistoric world with no communication channel, a bit like the old world romantic, I just stuck to my words and stuck to our rendezvous agreement. Hoping she would come. But she never did. Not once. Finally on the last day I went all the way to the Palam Vihar Puja, hoping I'd get to randomly meet her. As I drove my heart was beating fast but I kept going. There were turns where thought I should probably take a u turn and go back and yet I reached and walked around pretending nothing but my eyes searching her in a sea of people.
There is nothing to it. She is happily married and I am haplessly in love with her. I don't know what I want from her. But all I did want was to get a glimpse of her.
Funny so many things have changed in a year. One moment she was with me and one moment later with some one else. A world of changing loyalty.
You usually only read or see about love stories which are mushy and romantic and culminate in the people finally meeting. But what about the stories which never made it. What about the person who was left stranded at the cross road. The broken heart does get scarred pretty bad. All I can do is just hope time will heal. But what if it doesn't. And what if it don't want to be healed. I have spent months in hell. The heart which hurts and is heavy. All those promises made now seem shallow. Just convenience to move on and not look back.
In this moral world it seems immoral to talk and think of some one who doesn't belong to you any more. But try telling that to a person who was left out for some one else.
What do you with the heart that doesn't want to understand which hurts itself every day and every moment. Cries out aloud at the tragedy and deceit. It feels cheated. Why were those promises made when they couldn't be honoured. How come a decision was taken without thinking what I would go through. How could you assume Ill be all right? What do I do with all the emotional baggage you left behind. All the hurt and the pain.
In one year, I realised why love is so enchanting and yet haunting. It tempts you and yet it hurts you beyond any end. Yet I did love completely. I did my time to commit and yet once there, I did my share to the last drop and bit. I do sleep peacefully with no regret that I didn't try enough or left any stone unturned. I know she loved me deeply at one point of time. I know that it wouldn't have been easy on her. But she did move on. And she didn't think of what I am going through. At the end of the day, all I wanted was to be in her memories and to be in touch with her. A friendship that would be for a lifetime. Even if we are not together, had we given it more time we would have matured and accepted. What hurt was only the betrayal.
I hope next year, I just have a different piece to write about.

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