Mind Games: Fighting with yourself

What prompts me to write today? Well, I was just checking out my facebook profile, and thought lets just see the about me section and revisit it. And as I read what I wrote about myself, a couple of years back, I realized that while I still continue to be the way I described myself, perhaps it was a bit more rebellious in nature and tone. Of course, there was another friend who disclosed after a couple of drinks that I should seriously change what I have written, I perhaps pondered upon going ahead and changing the contents.

As I started writing the about me, I realized, isn’t it constraining to define yourself into a stereo typed image that people would perceive you as. While I am aware that no one really reads that bit of the profile, yet nonetheless I also figured why not embark upon this journey to try and think what I am and what I am perceived by people. But as I lay there in the crossroads of this busy intersection, where a sea of people actually crossed me, I did realize, that it really didn’t matter. Well, it does matter a little bit, but when the little bit starts accumulating to be a lot, you realize you are losing yourself. You spend too much of your time, suiting yourself with the world around. Gradually self realization dawn upon you that the sea of people, to whom your existence doesn’t matter, they don’t really matter to you as well. Reminds me of the Metallica song, nothing else matters.

I'm not sure who I am to be in a position to define myself. Each day is a new discovery into aspects of yourself. While each day you wake up with a feeling of contentment about being in a position to retrospect yourself and have that smirk on your face with being who you are. And yet each day also turns out to be a challenge to find a new facet and to accept it. I don't know if I need to say that I am this way, because tomorrow I might be different. Why would I be different?

Interesting question, I might be different because the people might change, the situation might change. While one might question the very existence of this nature by saying that this is actually a dual nature, but then what I’d question is, isn’t that the way every body is. Perhaps the qualm in the mind of people is normally to define themselves by a set of rules and defined characteristics to generalize the character of a person. Nonetheless, what is usually lacking is when people fail to realize that it is easy to be a critique, sitting on the rocking chair and brooding on the pipe and critically analyzing the world around us, but being a critique for your own self is perhaps the most difficult thing to do. I accept that while I am very opinionated and I love to analyze people, I rarely am in a position to question my own self on what I am and why I am that way.

The second aspect is that I might be different, just because, I may not be in a mood to be my regular self. I might chose to be a different person without any reasons. It is of course easy to be predictable and living yourself by that predicament as a prophecy or the guiding light. But then there are times, when I chose not to be what I think I am. It is tempting to just run away from things and be different, run away from your own parameters of definition. The irony is that while the human mind looks for comfort and solace in living a predictable life, which we often referred to as settled down in life, yet, when life is just too settled out, you yourself start brewing the discontent and dissatisfaction in your own mind. So in essence, while we want to settle down based on the image we create about what it is to settle down, when we reach there, it is contentment only for a period of time. Once we are there, the question is what next. Is this what I set out to be? Is that all that I have got? The biggest irony is that while we have a tendency to resist changes, yet without change, there is stagnation, which leads to us renegotiating with ourselves that ultimately leads to change. Its like a never ending tide of stimulating change and resisting change.

Coming back to being the critique to yourself, it is so necessary to introspect and revisit your own self. I often take the pleasure of being good at analyzing people, peeling of the societal and behavioral foreplay to understand the true dynamics of what ticks people and understanding the actual dynamics and politics, predicting their next moves and being one step ahead, to avoid that abrupt shock that would perhaps disturb you. But it is rare when you try to be predictable about your own self. It is a mind game to think that what you think you are doing, the person next to you might also be doing the same. Are you that gullible to realize that what goes around comes around? Often, I have the misconception that I have changed over a period of time and evolved into a different being, it is rare when I also realize that no matter how you change and run away from your self, you are still the same person. You continue to react in the same predictable way as you did before you thought you changed.

Often it hurts most when you have expectations, and when those expectations shatter. But then does that actually propel you to get into a shell and stop expecting from people. Or does it get you into the coma of non inertness. In my case, I am human and I do admit, I do get numb when hurt. And perhaps the volatility of the human mind and the heart are the most difficult to keep up with. You may fight with the entire world, but the toughest enemy is your own self. Its like fighting against your own self. To resist temptation is the biggest fight. And to succumb to temptation is the biggest treasure for an instance, only till the euphoria prevails. Once the glitter fades away, you wonder if it was worth it. Question worth a million buck. And perhaps people are just too docile and weak to answer the question to them selves to avoid admitting that they succumbed to temptation on their own minds. You may not be answerable to the world, but if you are no answerable to yourself, you who is it to whom should you be answerable to.

But coming to expectations, doesn’t expectation come into existence, only when you think you know a person and you think that perhaps you can now stereotype a person and predict his behavioral patterns. Which again goes against the very basic thought of being unpredictable. I guess at the end of the day, it’s a never ending void of psychedelic confusing psychoanalysis that perhaps leaves you more confused and dazed as you ponder upon such questions. While I admit, I am not at the pinnacle of mind games, I do realize and spend time in thinking perhaps that am I playing around or am I being played around with. It is interesting, when you dawn upon self realization that you might have been played around and were perhaps a subject of mind game where some one in your surrounding actually was better than you in predicting the outcome of the behavior that you exhibited. Once in a while it is good to be caught off guard, and yet at times when you aren't, it is just fun to look a the world around from a different perspective, play around with the societal games, smile when people around are predictable.

Perhaps too complex and confusing, I’d probably leave it at that. Just a thought to ponder upon, if you have played around and manipulated in this complex labyrinth of mind games. It is like a game of chess. You want to believe that you can see what the other player is going to move, and yet, once in a while, you are so distorted in your perspective, that you fail to realize another perspective that might be equally apt. perhaps, I would see that not as failure, but rather as fight with yourself, where you just don’t want to see what you might have seen, had things been different. You can run but you cant hide. To yourself, you prove as the biggest enemy and the best friend. Fighting with temptation within yourself can be the toughest….

Love Aaj Kal

Just returned from the theater. Love Aaj Kal. The movie which has been much awaited, not because of the star cast or the extraordinary script or anything else; rather because Bollywood seemed to be devoid of any good movies, from a long time. Especially with the IPL followed by the fight amongst distributors and theater owners, and with Kambakkht Ishq turning out to be a sweet disappointment. Nonetheless, I’d say Love Aaj Kal was a fresh and nice movie which I say after a long time.

Watching the sweet romantic movie, perhaps made me emotional with tears streaming down my cheeks, as always. A good entertainer. Perhaps what I liked about the movie, was not only the vibrancy, the colors, Deepika Padukone’s looks and Saif Ali Khan’s physique, but also the way there were two love stories going on in parallel, one in the current context, between Saif and Deepika but also the one in the past, between Rishi Kapoor and his Harleen. The constant switching from the current context to the past was something that was spellbinding, and perhaps made me remember Rang De Basanti where such a similar approach was adopted.

The movie was quite similar to Saif’s previous movie Hum Tum, inspired from Harry Met Sally, and the innumerable other movies that have tried to capture the core theme that defines the very existence of Bollywood. But while my mind was once again conjured with another perfect love story and I tried to draw parallels to my life and fantasized that perhaps one day I would be in love with a girl like Deepika and a life that would be like And they lived happily ever after. Perhaps that’s the child in me that is tired of the sudden burst of reality shows. The child who hates every attempt to sound logical and act mature by watching hard hitting movies, like those Madhur Bhandarkar films. The child that is hidden somewhere deep inside, who somehow gets lost in translation in the reality of everyday life. The child who feels a loss of privacy when your own life feels like a reality show with the thousand invisible spectators.

Coming back to the movie, I enjoyed every bit of it. I wouldn’t feel bad to admit that like many, I am also one of those stereotyped filmi audience who is spell bound about the beauty of the actress. Right from Titanic, when I felt that Kate was the most prettiest thing ever, to Hum Dill De Chuke Sanam for Aishwarya and Om Shanti Om for Deepika, and once again Love Aaj Kal reignited the passion in me once again. It made me spell bound on Deepika’s beauty, and of course the typical love story which has been portrayed in the film. I wondered how I would be in love with some one as pretty and humble as Deepika. I guess that’s enough about my chanting on Deepika.

But the real reason why I write is upon what I was thinking as I was driving back home after the movie. Perhaps the demarcation about the reality and films is the practicality which Saif talked about in the movie right at the start. I was just thinking and correlating to my own life and I thought that it is only in films that the two lovers realize that they are made for each other and run back to each other, irrespective of how and where they are. It is only in movies when they come upon this point when self realization dawns upon them and of course there is a lightening and a voice in the sky (if it’s a Ramanand Sagar presentation), where the girl and the boy, or either of them realize that they are made for each other and then they just know that they have to be with each other, when they then run back, and the so called ending “And they lived happily ever after”. But does it really happen in real life. Does it happen that the girls decides that if its not this guy, there would be no one else. Does it happen that there is no “And they lived happily ever after”. How often it occurs when practicality sweeps the minds of real people and they compromise with life.

Just a thought as I recollected the movie. What would have happened when Saif would have come back to see Deepika actually being happily married. Perhaps similar to Bachna Ae Hassino when Ranbir comes back to find his Mahi married with Kids. Would it be different if Deepika despite being married would have accepted that she loved Saif and not her husband? What I am trying to drive at is that this happens only in reel life and not real life. Real life is bound with compromises and understandings. How often it has happened, when the guy goes for girl II, because girl I is not available. Or perhaps after Girl I gets married, she doesn’t remember Boy Friend I any more. She justifies the w hole scenario where Husband I is the only one and she justifies that what she did and where she is just perfect and correct. What happens to ex-boyfriend I in that scenario.

I mean, Saif realized it much later that he was actually in love with Deepika and then he rushes back to see her still waiting for him. What if he came back to find out that Deepika was already married and didn’t care or rather even remember Saif at all. Or perhaps, after the intial break off , Saif was still in love for the next X number of years but perhaps, the girl turned into the ice princess (aka bitch) and couldn’t care less. Perhaps we would have termed it that this was perhaps not true love and that is why it didn’t happen. What if Saif waited for years for Deepika in anticipation, but only to sadly find that there was no Deepika. And there was no and they lived happily ever after. I’ve gone through those days when despite breaking up, and not having spoken to that special for years, I’ve still remembered her like crazy. But then, nothing else matters.

But what I am trying to get at is that in real life, no one waits. No one. No one cares. Its not about right or wrong. Its not about true love and doing the right thing. Its all about timing. Correct timing and you might be lucky. Incorrect timing and it might be a compromise. A compromise that may turn out to be either the best thing that happened to you. This perhaps when you would easily say that everything happens for the best. A compromise that may turn out to be a disaster that leaves a foul taste in your mouth. A disaster that may again lead to either you deciding to look out for some one or just accepting the fact and living your life in the memories of the good times you spent with that some one special. I mean it’s a never ending cycle.

Somebody's Me lyrics

You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
Because I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I refell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else

[CHORUS]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes that someday you will see
That Somebody's Me [2x]

How, How could we go wrong
It was so good and now it's gone
And I pray at night that our paths soon will cross
And what we had isn't lost
Cause you're always right here in my thoughts

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes that someday you will see
That Somebody's Me [2x]

You'll always be in my life
Even if I'm not in your life
Because you're in my memory
You, will you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh listen please

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes that someday you will see
That Somebody's Me [5x] 

Ode to my family

I have been hearing this song from such a long time but recently just heard it really carefully to realize hw beautifual the lyrics are.... do read the lyrics nd sing along...

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo... 

Understand the things I say, don't turn away from me,
'Cause I've spent half my life out there, you wouldn't disagree.
Do you see me? Do you see? Do you like me?
Do you like me standing there? Do you notice?
Do you know? Do you see me? Do you see me?
Does anyone care? 

Unhappiness where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn,
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun and take it if we can.
My mother, my mother,
She hold me, she hold me, when I was out there.
My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me. Does anyone care?

Understand what I've become, it wasn't my design.
And people ev'rywhere think, something better than I am.
But I miss you, I miss, 'cause I liked it,
'Cause I liked it, when I was out there. Do you know this?
Do you know you did not find me. You did not find.
Does anyone care?

Unhappiness where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn, 
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun and take it if we can.
My mother, my mother,
She hold me, she hold me, when I was out there. 

My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me.

Does anyone care?... [X9]
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...

Loneliness

Isn’t it ironical? You search an entire lifetime looking for people whom you can call yours, on whom you can trust and rely on. You create an entire pool of acquaintances and people whom you call as friends and family. But at times when you need them the most, you realize it’s all a farce truth and you realize that you are actually alone, standing in the dark in the middle of nowhere, groping and gasping for a breath of air that you can call as yours. Alas! You can’t even call that as yours. You are just all alone, gasping for one true breath of hope and existence.

It’s a cruel world where you have to realize that no one is yours and you might perhaps be the only breath of reality for the people who depend on you and when they need you, and you can’t be there, then there is no one whom you thought you could trust upon. That is when you feel so helpless and insecure. Perhaps this is life and this is the true reality.

All my life, ever since I took control of myself and my family, I have dawned upon the realization through the hard way. So, am I debating on people and their attitudes? Not really. People don’t change. They are always the way they have been and would be. It’s just the disappointment you go through when all this happens. The disappointment when expectations break. Disappointment when you lead down an empty staircase hoping that there would be some at the end, but it ends up like a mirage in the desert.

Too abstract? Who am I really talking about? Is it friends or is it that some one special whom you want to be standing behind your back all the time. Is it family and relatives? Well, I guess all I can say is that it is a hot soup with all the ingredients brewed delicately over a period of time. Yes, it is about friends, ex-girlfriends and family and relatives.

It happens all the time. So many a times when you pick up your cell phone and browse through you entire phone book looking for a person to talk and you find none. When you are euphoric about something but it is meaningless because you cant share it. When you are sad and low and you just need someone but everyone is just too busy. When you have so many entries in your phonebook but they all become meaningless. You become dyslexic. All the letters jump and become incorrigible. And of course there is always the other side and people have their own priorities but then at one point of time you get fucking tired. Tired of excuses. Tired of being understanding and accommodating. Tired of listening to why people aren’t there for you.

At first it starts with just being understanding and convincing yourself that perhaps there is a genuine reason why the person you want is not around. Why the friend you want to talk to is not available. And then you dial another number and see that the next person is not around as well. And you say perhaps this a bad day.

Eventually, you dawn upon the realization that at times when you need people to talk to, they are just not around. That leads you to question whether all the social networking that made you think that you were popular, was it just a mirage or a façade. Is it like the Italian blinds hanging on the wall, which when opens makes you look at the entire world as a magical place? And the next moment it is closed and you are totally shut off from the world.

Wonder what is essentially the cause of the whole situation. Is it expectations being greater than the reality? Or is it a case of distorted perception that is interfering with the subsequent of acceptance of reality.

With times, lot of people come and go. Nothing is permanent in life. One that stays you yourself. The environment and the people in it are only secondary in nature. It is a basic tendency of the human mind to avoid change. You grow into a comfort zone and then you just live with it. But then if life were to be so static in nature, it would surely lead to lack of contentment.

So then what is that you are looking for? Contentment? Or is it merely something that you think would lead you to contentment? Just because you have never had those conversations with your self to understand what exactly is it that you are looking for? The conversation with your self that leads you to the definitive answer of how you define contentment.

At times, you are just involved in the grind that you just borrow the perceptions of others and make it your own. Just because you think you don’t have time. Later when you achieve that you seek, you realize this is not something that you were actually looking for.

At times, when you reach the peak of the mountain that you so desperately were seeking to climb, you fail to realize the euphoria that you truly anticipated at such a moment. Do you feel a sour taste in your mouth? Like you thought you were going to have a chocolate cake that seemed so tempting, but it turned out to be less than you anticipated.

At times in my life, I’ve reached the horizon and achieved things that I really wanted to but when I did, I failed to feel that what I wanted to. Success seemed empty because there was no one to share it with. And yet there have been times when you had people praising you profusely on achievements that perhaps didn’t mean any thing to you. And you grow confused if these accolades are genuine or perhaps a mockery of your own self because people underestimate you.


Gradually, it boils down to mere reduction of your personal expectation levels, and accepting that it is you and only you that make a difference. The greatest love is love for thyself… and if you can learn to live with yourself, then you stand as a rock. Unperturbed by the silent seas or the raging hurricane. Monumental influx of societal façade or continued pangs of loneliness, irrespective, you learn to live on. And in the process if you happen to find people whom you can count on your finger tips, who would always be there for you when you need them, I’d say I would have derived a contentment of a lifetime.

Cheers!!!