Saturday, April 01, 2006

It must have been love / Another one bites the dust

I wonder why people fall in love? Innocent question, yet the most complicated subjects to answer on. Despite considering the fact that 24 years is indeed miniscule in comparison to the extent of life one usually lives before considering themselves old enough to boast of wisdom, yet nonetheless I take upon the risk to say that all my life I have tried to understand what love is all about and trust me I’m truly clueless even after 3 serious affairs, and another two or three part time casual semi affairs. In fact with every new stint to experience true solace and tranquility, I regretfully end up with more and more contempt, bitterness and turbulence and perhaps greater wisdom and expertise.

I have often been plagued by periods of spasm, where there is a surge of over emotionalism in my mind and heart. Perhaps this is the time when I feel great joy and happiness and a sense of so called pre-contentment. A hope that dictates “Yes, there is a path that would lead me to a pool of happiness till eternity”. So, like a weary soldier, I walk on happily with my gun and backpack despite having waged numerous wars between the heart and the mind, onwards on the journey towards this oasis, which seems so lush green, so full of life and so heavenly. Just a hope because its never useless to dream. And innocuously, I fail to realize is that I am not walking towards an oasis but a mirage in this desert.

Feet bleeding, blistered and burnt after walking through cacti and hot sand, it seems there’s going to be no solace for this miserable heart that is so clueless, although ironically, at every possible moment of freedom, you see the same heart exuberant and exuding confidence and maturity, as if in a bid to show to the world how beautiful life is, and how content it is, telling the world “I’ve been there and done that” or rather “ I know it all, I’ve been through it and I know how things work. Trust me I know the dynamic and the equations of the phenomenon called love”.

And perhaps this is what is so beautiful about life, when you are in a position to outline and highlight the hidden irony. The time when you know that there is something so contradictory that is present, which can’t be seen by most people and you are amongst the very few who can identify it. Perhaps this is what gives you a feeling of being powerful.

Often I have seen, I like any other mortal, am the first person to laugh off scornfully at people who are so mushy and have those long dreamy eyelashes dripping with romance in them. Why? Simply, because I am so cool. I have seen it all and I know it all. Rather, I have the eyes of practicality, that tears the curtains of the obvious and find the hidden irony. I am the guy who has “been there done that”. I take arrogance as a compliment and not as derogatory comment that any cheap wannabe makes, just because he thinks he is the luckiest man alive.

Don’t you see the gray hair in my beard? No, doesn’t matter. Perhaps you do not have enough wisdom to see such trivial things such as my beard. Nonetheless, coming back to the point, I laugh and crack the wisest and most smart-ass comments on people. This gives me dual benefit of not only showing my contempt on the topic but also gives me popularity amongst my peers and letting them know of my so macho attitude. I carry forward pretending to be the narcissist. With every friend I meet, I tell them the same things.

Are you crazy? A woman. An affair. A relationship. No way. Do I look insane? Do you actually think that a guy like me would be mushy? It’s a waste of time. No I’m not gay but I a sensible. Women ruin your life. But perhaps behind the iron wall there is a nervousness that is so primeval in nature that you just don’t want to come to terms with.

I tell them why you should try and not get into this mess. I tell them that there is nothing called true love. It only happens in films and television serials. In reality, you always end up being hurt. There are gross misappropriations and deviation from the expectations that everyone has. I have seen this so many times with so many of my friends. Unless and until you are lucky enough to have found the perfect companion, all you can do is to sit wait like a hunter on the Machans of Jim Corbett National Park and count the black spots on your willy or the remaining few strands left on your bald head because of approaching old age.

Why do you need to fall in love? There is absolutely no point. It’s all a waste of time and energy. Men can never understand women. You think you can? Well if you think so then I think that you are gravely mistaken. Perhaps I am mistaken and I want a reason to believe in you. And that is probably why I challenge you in this topic. You see in reality, thing are actually so different. Trust me. I know as I write, this article has a twinge of betrayal, dash of pain, a spoonful of pessimism and loads of sarcasm, but I am sure like the person who knows how to search in the grit and dirt for a diamond, an experienced reader would realize that somewhere there is loads of disguised hope and optimism which is delicately wrapped in this write up. Somewhere down the line, irrespective of what I say or what people say, at some point of time or the other, there is a need for a soul mate. Call us social animal, or call us anything, it doesn’t really matter what we think or what we portray ourselves. Because the loneliness that is presented by the lifestyle of this century and in fact far beyond this century, it is perhaps in human nature rather man’s nature to be on the look out for a chance to settle down and find the perfect companion. The one. Of course people differ and case specific differences do exist. So if something I write is not suiting you, you could perhaps consider one those rare few ones.

I remember one of my very close acquaintances, who still has a very good influence and control on my life, had once told me the magic word “learn to live alone”. And live it that way because you like it and want it that way, not because you are having a bad time or because you want to forget your past. Every time you think on the lines of “ I’m learning how to live alone not because of choice but because of exhaustion of possible choices”, then trust me you are going to end up hurting your self all the more. Every conscious effort to make things conspicuous actually ends up making it all the more prominent and all the more difficult to control. It is like one of those promises you make to your self, which you want to promise yourself knowing that its best for you, but every time you think about the promise itself, you actually find it difficult to control the surge of emotions, feelings and desire, resulting in actually getting you come one step closer to breaking the promise and so in a way, hurting yourself.

You say today I don’t want to have coffee, because you know its not good for yourself, but every time you actually remind yourself of your pledge to not have coffee, it actually gets worse for you to control yourself. So the best way is to not think about it. Get yourself so busy involved in something or the other that actually makes it better for you to not remember. The irony though is that the acquaintance who suggested to live alone and enjoy was actually asking me to forget her and so I did.

Be content with yourself and your existence. Don’t make your self so dependable and vulnerable by making your existence in response to that of another. Your life is yours and no one else’s. So live it the way you like to and the way you want to. Often it all begins with one compromise and then another and goes on till the relation actually becomes more of a compromise and obligation. You feel choked and gagged and you desperately need some space and fresh air. It gets very claustrophobic to handle. In cases, you are so overwhelmed with the feeling of being in love that you don’t realize what is happening with yourself and then suddenly when the bubble bursts, you see that the dream is over and you are in the middle of nowhere. You set up a tent and start life all over again like the expeditions of the early man we read about in our class 2 social science books. Walking in a loincloth made of animal skin with a long beard and a spear in hand. Nah! I know I have this habit of over exaggeration, (as you must have realized by now!) What I mean is that you realize you have actually exhausted and depleted yourself of all emotions and feel drained and you have this feeling of phew! Lets start again. But what is critical is that you don’t repeat the same mistakes again.

Another friend of mine once told me that people are in love with the thought of actually falling in love. It kinds of gets so exciting and you conjure such a rosy picture about falling in love that you really forget the basics of being in a relationship in the first place.

You see in reality things are different. There is nothing called absolute love (Unfortunately or rather fortunately it exists only for Vodka). No one is perfect and nothing is permanent. Every one has his highs and lows. Your love for some one can’t always be expected to be flowing with a constant voltage like that required for the proper functioning of a fridge or air conditioner. It is not like a plug point that you fit and turn the switch on and Vola! You get true love at it its best! Absolute. Unadulterated. Fresh from the tree’s of Caribbean and served with a dash of lemon with crushed ice.

There are times when your feelings for some one else would fluctuate. It varies. One day you might not be in a state of mind to say those three words and when your partners might actually need it the most. So what do you do? Do you pretend with a false smile and say the words she likes. But she’s not a fool. She understands the lack on conviction. Or you just hurt her more by pushing her away. I know staunch loyalists and hardcore romantics would say things like so what? But then I don’t obviously intend to challenge such greats and rather lucky people. Why I write this is because often we are in love with the idea of being in love. So we paint pictures of fantasyland and you wake up to a rude shock when you don’t get what you thought you would. It is not the perfect harmony as you desire.

Now what if one day you come home and want some comfort in the arms of your partner, but she is too preoccupied and you feel neglected. And then some minor incidents really keep building up to a crescendo of despair, anguish and hurt.

It’s all a matter of clicking. A day with the gods favoring you as they favored Hector of Troy, with all the things clicking and everything sailing smooth, life can be so perfect and beautiful. But then everyday is not a Sunday and times may not favor you. You might actually find yourself facing the storm and end of the day you’ll be more confused than anyone as to what went wrong actually?

You are basically so involved with the thought and not the act. Its like you love to think that sex would be so wonderful, that you actually might not like it some time!! (Even though I believe that is not really possible, but then don’t draw inferences. I’m still you know….)

But having said like those management guru’s who only preach and use big terms, not knowing what it means, I don’t intend to say that live on and make a new start and that’s the end of it. It’s not like the ending of a fairy tale “They lived happily ever after”. Because life is real and not a fairy tale, so at times getting over someone and getting over a relation might be the toughest thing that one might have to through. At times, when love is diminishing, you have to create love and passion. In reality, you might have to make yourself love to keep the relationship moving.

Dealing with the past.

If you have not had a bitter taste till now, then perhaps what I write ahead might not actually be relevant.

The bitter taste is a reminder of the past that you might try to get rid of, but trust me somewhere or the other, be it over a glass of beer, it catches up with you like an old childhood friend. You try and run away and it still gets back. For no matter how fast you run, you are a convict and you can only run. Run from the past till you get on with your life by coming to terms what might have happened and saying that the past is something you can never forget completely. So just accept the truth and live with it. Yes every one has a past. Even I do. Even you do. Whether you like it or not, its there. But then the best you can do is to try and figure out a way to go on in life irrespective of anything. And this is when you can say you have evolved and that you have moved on. Dealing with the past is really tough and perhaps at times it is this that what deters you from actually being bold enough to move on.

I know I have spanned a large number of topics and perhaps, given the freedom, I might just go on and on, like a perennial river or an evergreen tree, flaunting wisdom. But trust me, I find myself more confused at times after one these discourses and certainly, I don’t intend this one to ending on a similar line. I don’t ask you to not live your life. I don’t ask you to suppress your feelings. Neither do I intend to scare you that you stop dreaming. Its just a man to man thing…one of those talks we might have had in a nearby pub over a drink. And now that I might be so far away, I thought why not pen down the wisdom. Perhaps writings would be there to remind you of my words long after my own existence perishes. And who knows I might actually turn into a big commercial writer someday, when someone famous goes through my site and offers me a break to write a book without actually asking me to succumb to casting couch in this world of sexual disorientations and MMS clips and scandals.