Sunday, September 15, 2013

Goodbye - I

Why is saying goodbye so difficult and dramatic? Why is it that at times, when you are plagued by over emotionalism and it chokes your throat. Why it that the final hug is so important?

We have probably seen in the movies how clich├ęd and stereotyped airports, bus stations and railways stations are. Perhaps airports are the most out of them. And despite seeing all this in the movies and sitcoms, it’s a catch 22. Either it induces your mind to think this is how it should be and so when you are in such a scenario you probably think the same way and try to re enact. Or, it is the other way, you can see the obvious and get disgusted and think how can people be so corny.

Well either ways, I don’t know about others, but airports are a difficult places for me, either when I am departing or when I come to see off some one. But why I write this today is for two moments, which have been the toughest for me, and but of course in the interests of love. The first one is below.

Now I do think there have been so many good byes and affairs, but perhaps these two stick on to me. A few years back, and I have been here in Sydney and I met someone. Some one very special, and some one very beautiful and yet someone forbidden. It was many months together, when we were the best of friends. We had gradually moved in closer and I knew I loved her, but I was forbidden to express. Why? Well, the usual suspects. What if my friendship breaks. And the fact that she was with someone else. Well knowing me, I do have a flair for getting into situations that are forbidden and not allowed. But anyways, despite knowing all this and knowing she would never be mine, I always spent days, hours and evenings with her.

We were the very best of friends and despite knowing our boundaries, we moved in close. Very good or rather best friends. I suppressed one part of my heart from telling her how I felt and yet I just loved spending each and every moment with her. Given a chance, I would just travel all the way to meet her. Clubs, cafes, movies, restaurants. It was almost like I didn’t have time for my self as whatever time I could get with her, it was somehow not enough. Nonetheless, we got close. For her, it was always very difficult to predict, and yet, she moved in close as well. Shared the intimate secrets. Always there for me. Opened up to me in a way that I knew it was special, and I knew she didn’t open up that way with anyone I knew.

And as time passed, from days, to months, it was gradually coming to the moment when I knew she would have to leave. Something that I always feared. In those 12 months of togetherness, I had lost track of time and never realised how time flew by. As we neared the time, we clutched on to each other in our own different disguised ways. There were close moments, when she realised and so did I. Yet we never did open up to say it acknowledge it. There was a silence between us which explained the predicament.

On the last day, I went to pick her up and took her to the airport and stood with her through the line, the check in. sporting up a smiling face and yet, the turbulent heart which was scared as if in the next few moments I will not have the luxury of havin what I have had for the last one year. Perhaps she was stronger or she was excited to go back, but my heart was bleeding and crying out. Yet I smiled and took her to the various shops and made her shop. We had enough time to spend and talk about things. As she was shopping in one of the shops, I was standing morose outside, my heart racing suddenly and I just wanted to hug her once. I wish I had the courage to do that, but I feared. I feared her rejection. I feared the fact that she was not mine and with someone else. But I didn’t care. I just wanted to hug her once. To put my arms around her and say good bye. In the most normal way, but grip her and express what I couldn’t express by words. But the shy part of me, which very few people are aware of didn’t let me do that. And so I silently prayed to god. I prayed to god that please let her hug me once before she leaves.

May be that’s the smallest gesture she could do for everything I did in the last one year. May be she would be feeling the same things as me. There were tears drops coming in regularly, but I held back and quickly smiled again as she emerged. We went through all the shops, and all I could do was just to stare at her, trying to take in every moment of it. I knew once she left, for her, it would mean anything and may be she might forget me.maybe she would go back to her partner and I didn’t mean anything. May be I was just a passing by companion. May be sh had no feelings for me. But whatever be it, for me, it was the most difficult things to say good bye. I had been lonely for many years and out of choice. I kept secluded and quite, because I didn’t want anyone to know the true me. I ha ben living my life in the regular fashion until she came and I knew there could be no future and yet I opened up and shared everything with her. Well as she left today, I knew I would be very lonely again. And it wasn’t about finding someone else. Because I didn’t want to find some one else.

As she head out of the store, she looked at the watch and said perhaps it was time and she should now leave. I agreed and this time I walked with her. I walked for the one final time, towards the immigration gate. The point from which she and I would be separated. On the way we spoke. She thanked me for everything. She told me that it wouldn’t have been the same had I not been there for the last one year. She told me that it was only because I was there standing like a wall, that she got the courage to survive. I was overwhelmed. But this point my heart was thundering away madly and my head was spinning and emotions were running high. I spoke a few words, but they refused to come out. I wanted to hold her hand in the last few steps, but I knew I wasn’t permitted. I internally kept praying that please god, ask her to turn around and hug me. She had a trolley. She stopped outside the gate. We looked at each other. I don’t know what my eyes said, but they were on the verge of streaming. I moved towards her and came close. I put my arms on her back as a small sideways pat. But she maintained the distance. She said the final good bye and went in.

I stood there, just savouring the view till she disappeared. At this point, she never looked back, and I stood there with my heart in my hand, wondering if would ever see her agin in this life. Wondering, if I would ever by that close as I had been in the last 12 months. Wondering if these moments that went by would ever repeat itself. I stood there with my heart in my hand. Tears were now streaming down, profusively, and I didn’t hesitate to try cry, now that she had left. I didn’t know if she would remember me once she was back with her partner. For me it was the most beautiful 12 months that I had spent and now I had only memories that I would cherish for the years to come. But the greatest fear I had was becoming insignificant in her life. A point when she would move on and never look back. May be it happened tonight itself. May be it was symbolic. I didn’t know why but I really longed for that hug from her.

I was like a kid who wanted to be loved. I walked back, aimlessly in the airport, for the next half an hour, and then took the bus and walked back into my life. A few nights I cried, A few months, I remembered every instance we spent, a few more months, whenever I passed a place where I had been with her, I stopped, felt those moments and then walked on. And it is now a few years since, and yet, the memories are so fresh. Perhaps it was about loving someone despite knowing that I would never get the return favour. It was about standing tall and with a good heart, and being there for that person that you cared the most. Being there like a protective wall only to make it easy for her, to make her smile and laugh, to make her talk and make her comfortable. And when she walked away back to her life, while I was sad and melancholy, I knew I had spent the best 12 months of my life, which I knew I would never ever get in my life ever again. I was happy because, despite everything I had lived the moment which I knew would be rare to find ever again.

Friday, May 24, 2013

If Only

No matter what I say or how strong I pretend, I just don't know how it would be to live a life without you... its only my lonely heart that is screaming out to tell you, perhaps unheard and unnoticed except for my melancholy eyes that drops a tear quietly in anguish and despair... Moment I spent was just pure bliss.. Seeing you after ages and yet my heart skipped a beat. Its this unique feeling... love and pain at the same time... One look and I know my heart was beating faster like a 13 year old.Excited, dizzy and nervous.

At times, there are things I wish to express, but perhaps I am not allowed to do that. At times, I pick up the phone impulsively call to share just a thought that comes across my mind, only to hang up again. There are so many things I want to say, but just so little a time and avenues to express. I don't know how it turns out, but a hope that may be we are together for a some time again.  To talk, to laugh, to share, to love, to embrace. There are some relationships which don't have a name. May be they don't  need to be named. But I live in fear when one day I might get cut off and be lost in the crowd like a toddler. Scared of all the unknown faces and lost, directionless.

Its the exuberance of the lively heart that knows no boundaries and lives fearlessly, devoid of any societal stigma. The only threat is practicality, morality and  sociality. Everyday as I drive aimlessly, I close my eyes and I can experience the moment of truth which I had, perhaps the most truth full moment ever. These are but random thoughts, and I don't have a structure to put them, but they just flow. Perhaps not a day goes by when I don't regret my idiosyncrasies. If only I had not been so critical practical. If only she had taken my yes. If only a lot of things, but there is no answer to a why? The biggest question that would haunt me for a lifetime.

But then I smile and I know. It was the first time I wa in love and some one loved me more. Something which is worth cherishing even if it might be for a limited time. In those limited moments, I can die a peaceful death and say that I have lived and loved once for a lifetime. :-)

Friday, February 22, 2013

Letting go

Ironic isnt it. People whom we love the most have the greatest potential to hurt you the most.

Ironic isnt it. It is easier to fall in love but it is the toughest to fall out of love.

What happens when the person you love moves on and you are no longer allowed to love her. Because she is someone elses.

You are in a dillemma. You still love her. You continue to love her. But you are not allowed to. Suddenly you realise you are standing on the other side of the line.  All this time she was no ones, and there was nothing wrong to love her. Now she is with someone else and you are deemed evil to love a married woman.

It is like a double whammy. You want to express but you cant. You want to talk to her, but you cant. You cant, not because of any restriction of others, but for the restriction you have set on yourself. You dont want to destroy or mess up her life. When you do talk to her, you realise it is painful. It is pain when you are not talking to her. It is pain when you are talking to her. You have been craving to talk to her and you are desperate. When you actually get a chance, its joy and pain. Joy because you love her. And yet as you look at her beautiful face, her innocent smile and candid laugh, her hair that she brushes across and puts behind her ear, with each moment you are holding your heart in your trembling hands, an unparalleled gloom descends like a blanket of fog, except that it makes you remember she is not yours. Perhaps she doesnt even have you in her picture. But then you cant tell that to your heart. And that is the most exotic concotion of love and pain at the same time. You feel helpless as you continue falling in love with every moment that you spend with her.

Sometimes you have intimate moments which you just cant forget. Even if it is a simple kiss, or a dance, or more than that. Even of it was for a day. Even if it was not physical and yet blissful. But that was when she was yours. And today she is not. Somewhere she took a call or you took one. But nonetheless you just cant forget it.

You question why its not you, you are jealous of the thought of her with some one else.

You compare what was it in the other guy. He looks like a dumbfuck. But women quip themselves saying we dont go for looks. Of course they go for something else. Its called security. Its called money. Its called social status. Its called whatever. Or I dont know what it is. You wish with all what if scenarios. What if I had don this. What if she was single. What if I had entered her life even before. What if it was a different set of environmental configurations.

Sometimes, she thinks of you as her friend and tells you things about her married life which you just cant hear, but like a sadist whipping himself, you keep on hearing and each word is like blow from a shotgun on to your heart. You wonder how can she be so insensitive. You wonder if she is the person you really loved.

And there it lies. A simple answer to a simple question. If things eere to happen, they would have. If you wanted to be with her, you would be. If she wanted to be with you she would have been. If she really cared, she wouldnt have hurt you.

But its just how to explain to your heart that you dont have any rights to ask for something that has already been sold. And may be you dont. The love will always exist. Atleast in my heart. So what if she loves me or not. But I do. So what if she loves the rich guy or soemone else. Its just accepting that your love may not ever be reciprocated ever again. But you know that in those moments that night, love did exist even though she might be scared to admit it or that she never will. But you saw it in those deep black eyes, when she saw you in a way that said it all.

You just got to keep yourself busy, and let time heal it for you.

Thursday, September 27, 2012


Its funny at times when i think about it... Dont know how it would be in the future. Now here I am waiting for your call, but may be I should stop waiting.And it makes me think of Karma.. What goes around comes around. There was a time when you waited and hoped, and I was not into so much, being busy, and taking my time to not open up. Today its the
opposite.They call it irony. You wanted me and you were so sure, but today its changed. When you know I am here waiting for you and having told you so many times, I am ready, waiting with my hands extended, only for you to hold it now, but may beyond this darkness, you have moved a step ahead into the light, that you cant see anything behind in the darkness. You know you can get what you wanted so badly once, but maybe you dont want that anymore, or maybe you have given up on me.May be I was busy once and I didn't see you so well. When you were waiting at that gate with a lantern, hoping I'd be the light inside the lantern of your life. But I was cold and didn't light up then. You
kept waiting, striking a match again and again, hoping Id light up, but at one point, in this cold icy weather, you lit the match for once last time, but unable to take the icy wind, you went inside. Never did
you turn around to see that the last matchstick lit in vain, had actually led the the golden glow.Maybe it was too late. By the time you came back you had your coat on, and the light didnt provide the warmth that you needed before you went in.
There I was standing at the pier, looking at the vast expansive sea with no limits. The Sun was gradually settling in to get comfortable and cosy with the water. Whole day it had spent away from the water, flaunting its power, its heat. Showing off how gorgeous it was... but all the effort of the day couldn't resist the attraction with the cool blue water in the ocean. it was like two passionate lovers, who maintained their distance all this while. trying hard to not to touch each other lips, scared, what might come next and breaching the sacred line with no return. Scared of expressing for the fear of being vulnerable, apprehensive of what the world would say. but in all the tussle, little did the sun realize that by the time the day was coming to close, he started to get to know the ocean better. Gradually, he lets off his guard and as they gentle touch each other for the first time, there is a glow which the emits for the very first time in the whole day. He embraces her and puts his arms around her gently , doing the ball dance for the first time, gently moving his hands to her waists. Twisting and Turning, slowly waltzing, away, and he gets lost
in the smell of her hair,  intoxicated to the extent that he doesn't emerge. The world goes into a darkness, and spends hours in the absence, perhaps while the sun is there nestling in the arms of the sea, with a gentle love making that seems for eternity.
As I stand on the pier, and see the romance, I wonder what is it hat I am awaiting for?  Is the romance not inspiring enough for me? It is, but you gotta wait for the right ship to come along. Many ships comes as I stand there, and with every ship that docks, I always question if this is the boat that I should get onto. Usually I can see ships come and go,  but there is this one ship I know is the one. But somewhere lost in transit as I see the sun set and the romance begin, I am overwhelmed and inspired of the perfect romance. And in that while, there comes a boat, a small one, which wants you to get in and steer it to the far away land. It awaits you, as it gently rocks on the water, left and right. But I am so engrossed that I don’t realize that the boat is gradually getting drifted away in  the tide. I look back and try to get onto it, but its too far. And I helplessly see it drift away. As it drifts farther away, I get a sense that may be this was the boat for me, but I waited too long.At times, sometimes u realize that love is not enough..your promise to love for a lifetime is not good enough.. and then there is a hapless look in your eyes, looking questioningly, wondering what else could you have promised...may be you just got to settle in like the dust and see things unfurl as destiny would have it.. a mere silent spectator.. hands tied, mouth gagged and lifeless...

Monday, February 13, 2012

Love Love Love

Another year passing by, another valentines day.

Guess the quintessential question is what is valentines for me. the newly turned 30 year old, how does life change in a month since your birthday.

It is nothing specific, just an aimless post.

While for the rest of the 364 and quarter days a year, I am usually holding the banner in the middle of the street and shouting hoarse at the women in the world. But this one day, when it is the real test of time, character and real war.

I log into face book and see pics of
- boys and girls together, outside a concert
- engagement pics
- marriage pics
- pics of honeymoon
- pics of kids
- some random generic comments of spurned lovers
- thoughts of me being single
- sometimes moments of uncertainty.
-Subsequent moments of debating
Moments when I walk alone and wonder when I would have that someone, and then
Most moments when I live my freedom, living for myself, living the dream.

I see the word outside, dipped in love. Red is the colour. One day when girls and guys are holding hands, slightly pecking each other's cheeks, patting the waist, and looking at each other in a way that inspires love in the most unrealistic way and yet the most wanted way. Makes you wanna scoop the girl in your arms, run a hand through her free falling hair, and giving her the most passionate and long kisses. Too much of movies I guess. But when I look into the love stories around, it makes me feel otherwise.

As I look back what does the day of love mean to me.
-A few memories of ex girl friends.
-Reading old love letters.
-Thinking how things went wrong and all the what if scenario's.
-Remembering how I saw other kids having a boyfriend or girlfriend, since class 6th. year on year, it was my same friends, some with the same girls, some with new girls. Hidden gifts, cards, roses chocolates.
-And then it came to engineering. First year. The first time, I decided to celebrate valentines. Went all the way to the card shop in Alwar, bought a real special card, wrote in cursive writing her name, and kept it in my bag. Went through the whole day in college, just gathering the courage to go to her a give her the card. But over conscious as always, afraid what would she think of me. Very soon two guys tried to give her a card and she panicked and then I knew that if I gave her the card, I'll be in the same league. And so, no card.
-Next year with another girl, whom I loved too much, to the extent I never kissed her. Back then my idea was that if its true love, then you can kiss her after marriage. Back then I thought that was they way to show commitment.
-The year after, locked in a classroom after college lip locked with the next love of my love. This time around, I knew it is important to kiss and make out.
- And then the year after, I spent fighting love and fighting the whole concept of love. Being the typical guy, unperturbed with love.
-Next few years, no stories. MBA, job, appraisals and family.
But that's my past.

What does it mean to me today
- enjoying seeing the world around
- loving the fact that there is so much love
- Just walking alone on the street, looking at the smiles in the faces of the beautiful asian women sitting opposite their love in cafe
- Some moments of weakness, loneliness, wishful thinking
- Most moments of arrogance with high walls all around to suggest how I don't believe in love
- Remembering which year I was with which friend of mine.
- Remembering that now she is married, and yet I cant stop loving her.
- Knowing that one of them is going to get married, and I am no longer in touch with her.
When I see my friends with their wives, I feel lucky. Maybe my friends are not that lucky, maybe they have changed themselves. Sometimes, its pathetic. But whatever be the case, more than my friends, I some times think it helps me understand women and for see where I could be in some years. It helps me in knowing what I want. And more importantly it helps me knowing what I definitely don't want.

Love is essential, but not at the cost of changing you to be some one else. About two years ago, I fell in love. And I became this guy that was different. It wasn't that I wasn't that, because I was that. But then, later I realized there was a different side of me that I should have been.

To me love is not about public display of affection, but it is not purely platonic. There is lust, there is attraction, but then physical is only for some moments. Love is not about posing perfectly in a picture.

Love is about peace. It is about not being stressed, tensed. I see people love the thought of falling into love. More often than not, people get into it a step in the geometric progression. And pretty soon they realize this is not what they signed up for. It is not as glorious and magical as they thought it would be, not to say that I would not go through this. But then its is not serial step in the progression series for me.To me it is about knowing what I want. And it is definitely not about being tensed. It s not about feeling sorry for yourself a few years later.

Love is about a seamless continuous flow. You don't need to try, it just works out. It works out every time you see her and you kfnow she is looking prettier than the last time. You know she knows you well that there has to be no pretense. Just a look into her deep eyes and you can see desire, love and affection.
Love is confusing...
Love is exciting....
Love is passionate...
Love is understanding...

I don't know if this is mushy. I don't know if I know what would turn out to be for me.
I don't regret being single, I love it. And that is love.
And I want to be in love, but with the right person and for the right reasons. And the reason is love.