What prompts me to write today? Well, I was just checking out my facebook profile, and thought lets just see the about me section and revisit it. And as I read what I wrote about myself, a couple of years back, I realized that while I still continue to be the way I described myself, perhaps it was a bit more rebellious in nature and tone. Of course, there was another friend who disclosed after a couple of drinks that I should seriously change what I have written, I perhaps pondered upon going ahead and changing the contents.
As I started writing the about me, I realized, isn’t it constraining to define yourself into a stereo typed image that people would perceive you as. While I am aware that no one really reads that bit of the profile, yet nonetheless I also figured why not embark upon this journey to try and think what I am and what I am perceived by people. But as I lay there in the crossroads of this busy intersection, where a sea of people actually crossed me, I did realize, that it really didn’t matter. Well, it does matter a little bit, but when the little bit starts accumulating to be a lot, you realize you are losing yourself. You spend too much of your time, suiting yourself with the world around. Gradually self realization dawn upon you that the sea of people, to whom your existence doesn’t matter, they don’t really matter to you as well. Reminds me of the Metallica song, nothing else matters.
I'm not sure who I am to be in a position to define myself. Each day is a new discovery into aspects of yourself. While each day you wake up with a feeling of contentment about being in a position to retrospect yourself and have that smirk on your face with being who you are. And yet each day also turns out to be a challenge to find a new facet and to accept it. I don't know if I need to say that I am this way, because tomorrow I might be different. Why would I be different?
Interesting question, I might be different because the people might change, the situation might change. While one might question the very existence of this nature by saying that this is actually a dual nature, but then what I’d question is, isn’t that the way every body is. Perhaps the qualm in the mind of people is normally to define themselves by a set of rules and defined characteristics to generalize the character of a person. Nonetheless, what is usually lacking is when people fail to realize that it is easy to be a critique, sitting on the rocking chair and brooding on the pipe and critically analyzing the world around us, but being a critique for your own self is perhaps the most difficult thing to do. I accept that while I am very opinionated and I love to analyze people, I rarely am in a position to question my own self on what I am and why I am that way.
The second aspect is that I might be different, just because, I may not be in a mood to be my regular self. I might chose to be a different person without any reasons. It is of course easy to be predictable and living yourself by that predicament as a prophecy or the guiding light. But then there are times, when I chose not to be what I think I am. It is tempting to just run away from things and be different, run away from your own parameters of definition. The irony is that while the human mind looks for comfort and solace in living a predictable life, which we often referred to as settled down in life, yet, when life is just too settled out, you yourself start brewing the discontent and dissatisfaction in your own mind. So in essence, while we want to settle down based on the image we create about what it is to settle down, when we reach there, it is contentment only for a period of time. Once we are there, the question is what next. Is this what I set out to be? Is that all that I have got? The biggest irony is that while we have a tendency to resist changes, yet without change, there is stagnation, which leads to us renegotiating with ourselves that ultimately leads to change. Its like a never ending tide of stimulating change and resisting change.
Coming back to being the critique to yourself, it is so necessary to introspect and revisit your own self. I often take the pleasure of being good at analyzing people, peeling of the societal and behavioral foreplay to understand the true dynamics of what ticks people and understanding the actual dynamics and politics, predicting their next moves and being one step ahead, to avoid that abrupt shock that would perhaps disturb you. But it is rare when you try to be predictable about your own self. It is a mind game to think that what you think you are doing, the person next to you might also be doing the same. Are you that gullible to realize that what goes around comes around? Often, I have the misconception that I have changed over a period of time and evolved into a different being, it is rare when I also realize that no matter how you change and run away from your self, you are still the same person. You continue to react in the same predictable way as you did before you thought you changed.
Often it hurts most when you have expectations, and when those expectations shatter. But then does that actually propel you to get into a shell and stop expecting from people. Or does it get you into the coma of non inertness. In my case, I am human and I do admit, I do get numb when hurt. And perhaps the volatility of the human mind and the heart are the most difficult to keep up with. You may fight with the entire world, but the toughest enemy is your own self. Its like fighting against your own self. To resist temptation is the biggest fight. And to succumb to temptation is the biggest treasure for an instance, only till the euphoria prevails. Once the glitter fades away, you wonder if it was worth it. Question worth a million buck. And perhaps people are just too docile and weak to answer the question to them selves to avoid admitting that they succumbed to temptation on their own minds. You may not be answerable to the world, but if you are no answerable to yourself, you who is it to whom should you be answerable to.
But coming to expectations, doesn’t expectation come into existence, only when you think you know a person and you think that perhaps you can now stereotype a person and predict his behavioral patterns. Which again goes against the very basic thought of being unpredictable. I guess at the end of the day, it’s a never ending void of psychedelic confusing psychoanalysis that perhaps leaves you more confused and dazed as you ponder upon such questions. While I admit, I am not at the pinnacle of mind games, I do realize and spend time in thinking perhaps that am I playing around or am I being played around with. It is interesting, when you dawn upon self realization that you might have been played around and were perhaps a subject of mind game where some one in your surrounding actually was better than you in predicting the outcome of the behavior that you exhibited. Once in a while it is good to be caught off guard, and yet at times when you aren't, it is just fun to look a the world around from a different perspective, play around with the societal games, smile when people around are predictable.
Perhaps too complex and confusing, I’d probably leave it at that. Just a thought to ponder upon, if you have played around and manipulated in this complex labyrinth of mind games. It is like a game of chess. You want to believe that you can see what the other player is going to move, and yet, once in a while, you are so distorted in your perspective, that you fail to realize another perspective that might be equally apt. perhaps, I would see that not as failure, but rather as fight with yourself, where you just don’t want to see what you might have seen, had things been different. You can run but you cant hide. To yourself, you prove as the biggest enemy and the best friend. Fighting with temptation within yourself can be the toughest….
