So many years and so many storms and yet for the captain of the ship, each storm is just as good as a new one. He can learn from previous incidents but not to the extent of actually being able to master every possible storm in the future. Experience makes you more familiar with the process but not with anything else. It’s like the doctor with the scalpel in his hand. As a doctor, you might have performed millions of operations and yet, the next operation can not have a tag of 100 percent guaranteed success.Just strange corollaries for love and women. It all looks so fascinating as long as you don’t have it in life. The moment you do, grass on the other side looks greener. A few days back one of close friends came up with a problem in his so called “love life”. Me being the permanent actor in the operas with the same role of agony aunt, decided to sit down one day and hear him out.
To give you a brief update on the situation, one guy and one girl. Both friends of mine. Being good friends of mine, I was lucky enough to know the perceptions and their respective story from both the sides. Coming back to the story, my friend and the lady in this story were really close and best friends since college. Of course I hope best friend doesn’t lead to a brand recall for Karan Johar’s Kuch Kuch Hota Hain… (eeiiissshhhh!!!!).
Really good friends, liked each other as friends for sure. Did have love for each other at certain periods of time, but unfortunately, in each cases, the synchronization didn’t match. When the guy liked the girl, the girl was involved somewhere else. Guy moved on and started looking for other options, but by then the girl was free. Guy doesn’t realize. Girl moves on. Guy suffers and wants to come back but the girl is not willing. She has other commitments. This goes on for the entire period of college. Yet they stick it out cos they are really good friends. Typical case of Harry met sally, or for the hindi audiences, the rani and saif starrer, Hum Tum, but with a twist.
Pass out from college, they are still in touch for the next three years. Really in good touch, talking everyday, about everything. In this duration both are thinking of getting married. But the guy likes her and wants to get married. Girl thinks rather than marrying a stranger, she should marry the guy. This is pinching the guys “male” ego. They talk a few times and discuss thoughts of getting married. Leave it marinated, but don’t put it into the oven. Guy goes abroad. Girl missed guy and vice versa. But girl is smart, moves on, has a new friend in her life and soon the broth is simmering here, while the previously marinated dish is in the freezer.
Guy returns, notices a change in behavior. Gets suspicious but then tells himself that he is probably being orthodox, and trusts the girl. Keeps in touch the way they were but he knows it somewhere internally that things are different. He decides to play with it.
He goes abroad again, come back after a longer period only to notice him self being given the second class citizen treatment. He decides he has had enough. He reduces the frequency of calls hoping she would figure out that he is back and is displeased. She doesn’t. Guy then tells her one day to speak only when she has the time for him and not when she is doing anything and everything under the sun.
Days convert to weeks and guy is overburdened at times with the thought on this matter, but not very stressed. Says what the f*&, we’ll see.
Next comes the holocaust, when the girl one day is talking to the guy and the guy asks her if there was some thing that she has been hiding. Of course the guy has got an idea and strong intuitions. The bombing of Hiroshima & Nagasaki. Girl tells him, I am getting engaged. Says sorry for having hurt the guys feelings and doesn’t talk much. Guy is stunned, at a loss of word, but as good friends gives her good wishes, and says that he would like to talk about their previous marinated relationship in the evening. Evening never comes and days pass by again. Guy tries to throw attitude by not taking her calls but eventually succumbs to the temptation and calls back, only to not talk properly.
Guy comes to me and discusses.
Analysis:
Wonderful case of male ego and chauvinism that’s is fucking up his mind up. He knew that the girl was not the ONE but yet he played on. Male ego hurt because he is at the receiving end, or at least he thinks he is. Didn’t want to get married for sure but the idea of his trust being misused is pissing him off.
Coupled with a genuine hurt from the girls side. But being the guy counselor, I’m not surprised that once again a woman has fucked up some ones mind, which is consistent behavior. Don’t blame the girl for getting married, but do blame for not handling the situation properly.
Being the guy from consulting background, I decide to do a brainstorming. Try to create a flowchart of events and doing a root cause analysis to understand the pain points and possibly give a road map ahead.
Given below is the crude form of the preliminary notes taken.
What went wrong?
You did like the idea of falling in love.
You were excited with the prospect of marrying some one from college which would amaze a lot of people.
You loved the idea that people would like it and this would make you more popular (you are a jack ass on this one mate!!!)
Despite friends telling you to give the commitment or the go ahead, you never did.
You just didn’t want to do it. Why?You were confused whether you actually liked her.
You were confused about the reaction from your home.
You were confused because she was vegetarian. (Lollzzz…!!!)
You dint like her cos she didn’t love you. She believed in the fact that rather than marrying a stranger, she would prefer marrying you because she knew you. This was unacceptable for you. You wanted love and nothing less.
She was not very attractive physically.
Gradually you were abroad for most of the time.
You didn’t really think you would marry her.
You were hoping that she is not waiting for you.
You were hoping that something comes up and she gets engaged so that you have one less reason to blame yourself and instead put the blame on her.
Yet, you always thought of her.
Now she is getting married. She has had an affair behind your back, when you were away.
She didn’t communicate it to you in the proper way.
All this time she hid it from you.
She didn’t take consent from you. Was she required to do so? Not at all! .
You are pissed off because
you are less important in her life.
May be She didn’t communicate it to you properly
All this time you saw it happening it beneath your nose but you didn’t pay heed to it.
You named it as trust and turned a blindfold to it.
You feel your trust has been cheated
You are not getting the attention
You are jealous and envious (man you are such a girl)
You feel cheated because at one point of time she spoke to you regarding marriage and then never spoke again. But all this time you thought you had something going on with her when actually she was sipping a cocktail with someone else.
She thinks she is smart by just acting cool.
She is happy and you are not
She doesn’t have the balls to speak to you in an honest manner and wants to avoid the confrontation. (Of course she doesn’t have balls you idiot.. she is a she…. !!!)
Your other friends knew about it but didn’t tell you about it…
You are suddenly thrown this news of her engagement
You are feeling claustrophobic.
You have to smile when you feel like crying
With every congratulation message, you face a blow in your stomach as if you are in the boxing ring.
She is so fucking concerned about her happiness, that she doesn’t sense the disappointment and sadness in your voice.
She is not bothered about you now and she doesn’t talk to you
When she talks its as if whatever.
You are not a part of her life.
Cheer up!!
Who gives a shit. Let her fuck off.She was not the one and you knew it very well. Definitely.
If she tried to act smart, let her. Small thinking.
She is selfish and she has right to that.
She is losing out on a good friend. (that’s you)You deserve some one better.
You anyways have to let go of her some day.
May be this is that day.
You didn’t want to get married to her, be honest to yourself and this is good that it is this way.
Let her move on.
You have to let go of her.
You are too busy with your life and career.
She is miniscule in comparison to the spectrum of your life
Anyways you knew it from the start that she couldn’t possibly wait for a time frame that you wanted to wait for.Its good, you don’t get blamed for the murder and yet your objective is achieved because of some one else.
Road ahead
Remember from past experience
Just move on. It was probably not meant to be.
Perhaps you would realize this some time later. May be it was good for you as well.
The girl is practical. You are emotional. That is the difference. Get over it.
Remember the dialogue in Dil Chahta hain when Amir Khan instigated Saif to go and fight with his girlfriend. He says “Be a man! Mard ban”
See, the reality is that she has made a choice and of course you are not in that picture.
You wanted it to be that way as well but your ego is coming in between.
Tell her why you think she is wrong and what has hurt you.
Eventually she would say sorry and you would suck up to the candy.
But by then it would not make a difference to you.
And for godsake, you are not love lost.
You are the captain of the ship, who has seen many storms. This is yet another small storm.
You knew it was coming.
Just face it now and get over with it.
The goddess of good looking, attractive females awaits you in the beach, slithering in the golden sand and awaiting for your arrival.
Cheers..!!!
