My Encounters With Death

What is the essence of human life? We struggle all our lives to keep things in control. We advance in all spheres of our life and make developments. Human endeavor we may say. We have made advances in technology, business, finance, arts, literature, medical sciences and what not. You name it and we have been there. Each and every possible way, we have grown, evolved and transformed into a force to be reckoned with amongst all the biological species. And yet there is one place where we come to a closed door.

Ever wondered what is the sanctity of life in absolute terms. I wonder and perhaps will keep wondering. Life is so beautiful, something that we all must cherish and live to the fullest. And while we enjoying the prize of life, we forget of a realm that all of us might have to come at one point of time or the other. Death. Perhaps, in every ones life, we do get to see this phenomenon that seems to have no reasons for existence. While the thought of dying doesn’t matter to anyone and yet, the thought of loosing some one in your life is what perhaps makes you most vulnerable.

It seems to be the other side of the cliff, we perhaps never see as one of the places that exist. Standing on top of the Grand Canyon, you can look at the beauty all around, the vast areas that are probably covered by the golden and gleaming sunrays. And we are so overwhelmed with the panoramic view that we fail to look at the other side of the cliff where there is darkness and only shadows of the cliff. Life is beautiful and colorful, but this is one place where there is perhaps no color itself. We are so embattled, and plagued by life and the various issues that we never realize the worth of human life. Why should we? Or should we not at all? But I believe there is a point in time in every ones life when we have our encounters with death and we can do nothing about it. As if some one openly violates you, takes sadistic pleasure in making you bleed drop by drop. The demonic armies of death god ravage you and you can just stand and see your loved ones just slipping away. Away into the oblivion.

What is the sanctity of life? The credibility? I have still not figured out. Perhaps just one second. It is just a fraction of second, which separates life from a body. A second that constitutes and defines your presence and existence in this world. Encounters with death? Of course not vis-à-vis my own life but with respect to the lives of the people around us. People die every second and no one probably makes a note. Is it so insignificant? Is human life so mediocre? Looking at a macroscopic view, it doesn’t. Perhaps when you look at the microscopic view, it does make a difference. For the people who bear the loss, it is them to whom it makes all the difference. These are the people who bear the scar on their faces. The deep gash made by the swift stroke of the scimitar.

When I lost my father, I kept wondering what happened. It was just one second that separated my well-defined realm of existence from one where the very reason of my existence was lost. I recall that single phone call from my uncle asking me to come back home from my engineering hostel because my father was ill. Somehow traveling in the bus and coming back to Gurgaon, I couldn’t solve the puzzle. My father had left for Ukraine a few days back. How was it that he was back in India and I had no clue. And while random thoughts did cross the forbidden line, which I shouldn’t have though about, I felt helpless. Those moments of the bus journey were the worst time when I didn’t know what to assimilate from the situation. I did feel scared expecting the unexpected and yet I just wished that it were all a figure of imagination. Coming back home and seeing so many relatives and acquaintances at home did give me the uneasy and queasy feeling, which indicated that perhaps my worst nightmares had come to be true and yet somehow I lingered on hoping that there would be someone who would tell me that it was all a nightmare.

But the final cut was those words, which changed my life for good. Just a second that separated me from the fact that my father’s life had ended. And it was just that one second when the earth seemed to have been whisked away from right under my foot and time seemed to have stopped in a momentary spasm. People say that with time wounds heal, but I seem to think otherwise. For some time I wished if it was all a nightmare. Flashes of memories appeared before my eyes. Somewhere deep inside you have a faith in life and against all odds, you have a faint glow of expectation. I recall how despite the physical facts, somewhere inside me, I knew this was not true. A faint glimmer that made me think that perhaps one day again my father would right at the door ringing the bell like everyday and I’d open the door to him like I did after every business trip of his.

My fathers body arrived in India after three days of his death and that night I cleaned up the house like always hoping that he is coming back for good. These are probably the moments when one feels so vulnerable and you can do nothing about it. Just accept it and keep moving on in life. Every moment I realized that life is probably the most unreliable entity, which may actually desert you on a lonely highway stretch. And you just wonder why? That’s all. Why?

Various issues emerge as a battle in your mind. What if he was in India and not Ukraine? What if the doctors were experienced enough there? What if there was foul play? What if this and what if that? But these are just battles between the mind and the heart. There is probably nothing that can make you at rest. There is unsurpassed turbulence in your mind and you just wish for one moment to run away. Away into the oblivion.

Times when you have the sudden urge to actually feel the cold steel resting against your forehead, smiling at you with those reassuring eyes telling you that there is peace at the other side. When the cold and glimmering cylinder asks you to give it a chance, to pull the trigger and let the red rose bloom out and blossom on a cold icy night. Only with the hope that you are running through the fields of golden wheat and mustard, where the wind brushes across your hair only to reassure you that life was probably the illusion. A place that gives you the ultimate tranquility from the pressures of life. Just one chance for you to join your loved once again for eternity. But as much as you are tempted, you realize that your life is not just your own but of the people around you as well, those who love you and care for you.

When one of my friends took the decision to end her own life, I seemed visit all those moments once again. I thought I’d be more prepared but perhaps I realized I was weaker inside. It broke my trust for good. Just a friendly reminder that you do seem to be dancing on the tunes of fate and destiny. When the demonic angels are actually playing the cello and violins looking in anticipation for your life. Gradually you come to terms with it and you realize the true worth of life in absolute terms and you want to live it to the fullest. You know that nothing else matters. And you have to move on. Initially you cling on tightly to the past, as if some one is trying to throw you off the ship of memories, and you desperately grip anything you get, with a fear that the memories of the loved ones are the only remnants of the burnt ship you have and if you open your palm, probably like dust it would fly away with the wind.

Another thing that often surfaces in the mind are a lot of unfulfilled realms and expectations. When you sigh with a heavy heart and say, “ I wish, I had told him…, or I wish, she knew…”. A long list of things and wishes that remain unfulfilled and you suddenly find yourself running against time and opportunity. You just sit with remorse and keep on curing yourself of all the time you had with your loved ones and yet you just missed telling them what you wanted to and now you just have a lifetime of wait instead. The anguish at the permanent loss of not only the person but also the opportunity of doing what you wanted to. A regret for lifetime when you just wished you had just a little bit more time. Just the extra time to fulfill all the things that you just can’t anymore forever. As if the door is locked forever and all you have is just the lingering wish. Lingers in your heart.

This is probably the sanctity of life. You just realize the true worth of things in life. Every other time when your loved one goes into the operation theatre, even for a minor operation, you just wait in anticipation outside, when you just hope and hope that you see the person back in life. I have actually gone through such stages of life, and there are random thoughts crossing the forbidden lines. And you can do nothing about it.

Death of relationships is as good as the real thing but perhaps not trivial in terms of loss of life. When despite anything and everything, you actually live in the afterglow of the relationship. When you just clutch on to memories and remember all the good times of the past. Perhaps it hurts more because you can see the person you love right in front of your eyes and you just wonder again why something happened. Why circumstances force you to go through a situation where you are just trying to restrain and cut off yourself from the memories that haunt you in the middle of the night, when you are walking alone on the road or perhaps when you are doing anything or nothing. When you want to go across the line and reach out to try and rejuvenate the relationship but you can’t. You wish the sand in watch glass actually reversed for good. And you again wonder why? What went wrong? Who was at fault? You go through a myriad of emotions for a period of time initially. Hate anger remorse regret hurt trauma and heartbreak.

Gradually you move on and then things don’t matter to you. Why? Not because you have forgotten the past rather, you learn to live with the past. The past memories of the loved ones we lose just don’t haunt you any more. They just co-exist. And that is probably what I have learnt in my lifetime. Just keep walking and that’s it. Life is unreasonable. But then what. Nothing just bear it and move on. At the end of the day what matters is your existence.

I guess these are just issues that surface in every ones life. They surface in my mind every other day. I guess there are topics and issues, which might seem to be most useless and inconclusive to talk about and yet quite relevant. Probably one of those philosophy sessions that my friends have to bear after I get drunk. There is probably no conclusion to be drawn. Just like that. Period. And life goes on and what remains are memories. Memories are the gift we clutch tightly and keep with ourselves like a kid.

Just don’t remember how it ended. Remember how they lived and how you were there to see the best days of your life.

Out of my life, where have you been
I wonder if I’ll ever see you again

How is wish, wish you were here

Death is the end of an illusion called life.