Confessions of an infidel mind

Well what do we write upon today? I guess it’s been a long time since my last post. As much as I have been guilty of neglecting this part of my life and being too involved with the new job, yet for the past few months, I have been debating as to what is it that I’d like to write upon.

Perhaps, in the past I have written basically on human nature and relationships and perhaps on the vulnerability of the human mind. Walking in the evening after the rain, I was just brooding on the angle of things that I have written. I have often written on how we as humans justify our own actions and at times we have relationships that are more to satisfy our personal and physical needs or perhaps that at times, there are relationships that have no names and yet they do exist. Not getting into the debate of morality and right or wrong, I decided to look into the issue from a different angle. What happens when you are at the receiving end? How do you deal with it? What happens when you are the one who is not part of something but you have to bear the brunt. The burnt taste that makes you squirm in disgust. The confession. The betrayal. How do you face the Judas of your relationship.

Well I promise I wouldn’t give some long drawn philosophy but I’d say that the betrayal is the toughest part to handle. Coming to accept the fact that your partner has cheated on you is what perhaps makes you fall like a castle of cards intricately balanced over the years. All relationships exist on some basic trust and understanding and one of the implicit meanings of any relationship is commitment, a commitment of staying together and not straying over and crossing the line. While crossing the line itself has its own parameters and boundaries and the line is vague and abstract, often it starts with some thing we all think of as harmless and friendly, but somewhere, the faith and trust is breached.

I often, at one point of time used to believe in things such as honesty, trust, truthfulness. Like people say in bollywood and surprisingly Hollywood flicks as well, on how a relationships should be based out of trust and honesty. At one point of time, I thought that perhaps these are the correct measures to gauge a relationship and keep it going stable. I felt that as a partner in a relationship, I should know everything. However, not getting into the series of events that later changed my perception on the matter, I soon realized that we often say these things to show how open and understanding we are. Perhaps they sound good on movies or as theories and to some extent in reality, but in the end and in the long run, it depends. I’d say that in our bid to be the so called good human being, the one who is so amicable and correct, we try and cover up our real feelings and try to put a lid on them. Another reason why we say things such as honesty trust etc is to safeguard ourselves from something we don’t want to hear something in the long run or perhaps at a later stage. Or, the fact of learning something about our partner from some other source, that puts in an embarrassing position and so we say that in such cases, its better to hear the news of infidelity right from the horses mouth.

I did feel that way but perhaps after a few events, I realized that it indeed is tough to take the news and gulp it down, be it before or after. It’s not just about sexual promiscuousness but rather about unfaithfulness. Yet, coitus-aduterinus is most hard to accept.

The fact remains that I some how feel it is difficult to accept the fact that your partner cheated on you. When you remain committed to a relationship and the partner cheats, it creates havoc in your mind and emotions. Like the waves that crash across the rocky sea shore, it keeps on making you ponder on questions like why, what for, bringing in a nauseating feeling about the whole issue. Your partner may some time feel that he or she has done the right thing by letting you know and accepting his or her mistake, and getting off the hook and guilt. Doing what is correct perhaps, for whatsoever reason, once you are on the receiving end, of the news, makes it difficult for you. And perhaps considering the male ego, it makes it all the more difficult for men to accept if their women have cheated on them. While I don’t want not sound like a male chauvinist, and I do understand that perhaps in the Indian society, men get undue advantage, and it does happen at times that a man committing adultery or cheating on his partner is still something that gets to be a mere mistake on part of men, but when a women has an illegitimate affair, it is considered as a heinous sin, often leading to a ostracization socially or in the relationship in itself. A woman is looked upon in a derogatory manner. Unfair but yes, for most parts of the Indian society it does happen that way.

However, not getting into this aspect, I’d say that irrespective of the gender, it is a very natural human emotion of being hurt and not coming to terms with the fact that your partner cheated on you. Perhaps the partner might be doing the right thing by telling you the truth and asking for forgiveness or whatever, and logically you should be saying its ok but it doesn’t happen that way many a times. You just can’t get to terms with this fact.

It is easy to tell others that the positive side of such a confession to others as I have done innumerable time, saving my friends who more than once used my services. Little did I know how difficult it would be for them. Ironically, when the winds of change started and I found myself in a desert storm, hell turned lose. I realized that doing everything right was just not right enough, and the fact that despite the near perfect relationship, I couldn’t come to taking it properly and aptly. I found it to difficult to practice what I had once upon a time preached. Moving on and thinking that time would make me get through this phase, but it was indeed difficult. Perhaps the first time being ambushed with such a situation, you realize that the real devil lies in your own mind which doesn’t let you rest in peace and ignore. Even if you compromise, it makes you realize everyday for a long time on the fact that how expensive that compromise may have been. The weakness is to accept what you hate accepting. Its like you being violated repeatedly everyday and the facts being thrust on your face. You can squirm or turn your back but it just refuses to leave.

When you love a person but at the same time you can’t make it as your weakness to compromise. Perhaps, one of the partners feel better and for once they think they did the right thing, but being at the receiving end, you come up with issues like why, the reason for justification and then the thought of betrayal. Somewhere in reality, even if these issues are not the actual issues, it’s the core human thought of self centeredness that doesn’t allow one to move on. I wouldn’t know if it is case of male ego or rather simply something very primeval in both men and women, but its was more as one partner was more relaxed and had abruptly transferred the entire burden onto the other. You just have to live with it. You either compromise or you change the equation of your relationship but I guess in very few and rare cases, the relationship moves as before.

Today, I think that perhaps somewhere deep down, I don’t want to know the reality. Call it a coward thing but perhaps it saves me and safeguards me from things which might happen and I don’t want to know. You just come to terms to the fact that at the end of every such storm, it just wrecks havoc on your mind making you all the more weaker and distraught.

Just go there and enjoy. I guess, there are things you just cant control, but whatever you can, do that.

I gotta feeling that you just avoid and as they at times, Ignorance is bliss.