Growing up and Birthdays: My best birthday

As a kid and in fact even now, birthdays are always exciting. Even now, if there is one of the major things in a year, it is my birthday that I do look forward to. Sounds silly I guess, but nothing wrong in admitting to the child in me.

Over years, things have changed. From a kid, to a student at school, then at college and now I am working man. Didn't realize how i have grown up and the transition from a boy to a man, until a thought occurred that if were to die and it gets reported in a newspaper, they'd probably say a 29 year old man and not a 29 year old boy. A bit morbid, but then, thats the thought which occurred, and self realization dawned upon me. I'd say a very practical perspective to realize things.

As I celebrated my birthday a few weeks back this year, I realized, that although I had been waiting for this day in the last few months, on that very day, it was just another day.

As a kid I used to be so excited. Birthdays meant parties, gifts, lot of love and being treated as special for that whole day. The amount of attention was euphoric. It was as if on that day, it was just me and no one else. My existence was so prominent. There used to be the coupon for free ice cream scoop at Nirula's on your birthday, which I had filled up months before.( I remember having those scoops till the age of 19, cos I used to fudge up and write the wrong date of birth)

As a college student, it was about the birthday bums that you got at the hostel. And while that is nothing memorable, because it used to be barbaric. I remember, at 12 in the night, in the shivering night in January, the whole hostel used to assemble. Primarily batch mates, few special juniors, and seniors. And they bestowed you their love blessing and good wishes, by nearly killing you. Those 60-90 seconds, when 100 people were kicking you, was like standing in front of a firing squad, except you wouldn't die even if you wished to. I had to prepare for hours, wearing atleast6-8 layers, to protect my delicate ass cheeks. Alas, when you are picked up from your hands and wrists, law of physics takes its course and all your protective gear goes for a toss, because, your shirt and pajamas are dragged and it exposes your naked skin around your waist. Some came to stone the devil (aka me), some came for the tradition, some for a smug and contentment to seek revenge, but it was all overshadowed by the adrenaline rush and the attention. Some alcohol (understatement) was a continuation of the ritual, which soothed or rather made my sore nerves numb.

And as I turned a another year older this year, I was just thinking what was different. Perhaps the excitement reduced. I am now earning and so while I can buy almost anything I want, perhaps it was better then when you didn't earn. I didn't want those expensive gifts that I longed for, which I can now buy. I don't want that party any more, cos every day is a party. I didn't want to go out to an expensive restaurant, because I do that every now and then. In college, wishing at 12 o clock was the in thing. So many phone calls, which just went on and on. But not now. Some friends are married, some I have lost touch.

Did I feel special? Why was I excited?Was I still excited? Well, to answer that, I guess, what did change is it was no longer about me. I saw the happiness bestowed by the occasion, to my mother and brother. I guess, it is different, but I realized, that at times it is some special people's happiness that makes it all the more worthwhile for you. At around 9.30 a.m., my masi called me and was talking to me and my mom. I wondered why now at 9.30, until she went back down the memory lane to recapture the day which occurred, 29 years ago when I was born. As she recollected the sequence of events on the speaker phone, I could see my mom going back in time and a tear in her eyes. Not that I recall any of it, but as i heard, it felt like a retro movie. My dad coming on an enfield bike, the noise of which my mom could recognize, even as she was in excruciating pain. How the family got together in the winter to make sure my mom and me survived, despite all odds to live this today. The joy of being the first boy in the family from the eldest daughter was quite touching. And that was when I realized how special I was. May be not to the world, but for the people who cared the most for me.

I felt a bit selfish, how I had been so self centered, thinking why this was not as exciting as I wanted to be, thinking of irony on how things have changed. Things have changed, with my father passing away. As I missed having him around, I tried to recollect how my birthdays had been when he had been around. I looked at the Tell My Why, or some other encyclopedia which I used to get as a gift every year from my father. I walked into my study, and pulled out those hard bound encyclopedia and opened to their first page, and ran my hands over the writing, trying to feel my fathers presence there. I used to be angry as kid, on why did baba have to write things on the book's first page. As a kid, I was a bit embarrassed to show these big encyclopedia's to my friends because of the message written on the book. But now I realise that although he is not around, these perhaps the remains which I still clutch onto.

Phew! Deep breath. As I was looking into the handwriting of my dad, I tried to recollect all the image of birthday when he was around. loads of images, but there was one which I hold really dear to me and precious. It was class 12th. Year 2000. I just looked up the calendar to confirm the date. The calender shows it was a monday. The reason why remember this year, is because, it was the day when I had pre-board examination for Chemistry. Blimey. What a day. For the first time, it had happened that I had an exam on the day when I was most excited. And so with a heavy heart, I woke up at 5.30 a.m. to get back to books and revise. I didnt wake anyone up and quietly slipped out into my study, switched on the lamp. Some 20 minutes later, maa and baba woke up and surrounded me, and started singing happy birthday song. I was beginning to feel wierd, cos I hadnt seen my dad like this. But yes, there he was hugging me. I got loads of gifts. To begin with a red rose, which my mom gave me. Then a black shirt with checkered pattern. A big chocolate bar. I think it was Nestle milky bar, the three or five pack. Then a cake. And believe it or not a cassette titled, The greatest Rock songs in the world(HMV). It was awsome. I felt quite pampered. Although at this point of time, I have a confession to make. The night before, I had seen the chocolate and the cake in the fridge. So I knew some thing was up, but not like early in the morning. I used to be a heavy music fanatic in school. Im sure some of my school freinds might remember. In class 12th, rock used to be my craze. I looked at the back cover of the cassette and looked at the songs, and I was a bit disappointed. They were not the bon jovi and all types, but the 70's rock. I knew my dad didnt have the best of knowledge in rock music, and neither did he approve buying cassettes worth 100 or 125 bucks (back then 100 bucks was of more value than it is today), but he actually for the first time took the effort to go to a music store and try to select soething for me which he thought I would like. I didnt like it very much. Back then I was annoyed thinking, baba should have asked me or taken me to the shop. But a few years later I lost him. And a few years later I realised, that I had lost the opportunity to tell him that the birthday in the year 200o was the best one I ever had.

Years later today, I still have that shirt and cassette safe with me. As years passed, I realized, perhaps tat was the best birthday of my life. The biggest joy was to have both of them around me, and hugging me. Who cared if tape wasn't that awsome. What mattered was the intent. I have the best of clothes today, but I still cling onto that shirt. Its the age of digital music, but I still have that cassette. Well, I couldn't do much with the cake and the chocolate.. eh!!!

This year, I was scheduled to travel on my birthday. But some how things worked out. I spent the day with my brother and maa. And I loved it. I loved it because they loved it. A look of contentment and happiness on their faces made me forget everything. I realized, there is always a reason to complain, there is always the luxury of being critical, look for things that are not there, brood over how things have changed and people have changed, how situation has changed.

But there is also a reason to look around for happiness and that exists in the small things in life.

Happy Birthday to me again...!!!