Journey into the mind of the broken heart

So many years and so many storms and yet for the captain of the ship, each storm is just as good as a new one. He can learn from previous incidents but not to the extent of actually being able to master every possible storm in the future. Experience makes you more familiar with the process but not with anything else. It’s like the doctor with the scalpel in his hand. As a doctor, you might have performed millions of operations and yet, the next operation can not have a tag of 100 percent guaranteed success.

Just strange corollaries for love and women. It all looks so fascinating as long as you don’t have it in life. The moment you do, grass on the other side looks greener. A few days back one of close friends came up with a problem in his so called “love life”. Me being the permanent actor in the operas with the same role of agony aunt, decided to sit down one day and hear him out.

To give you a brief update on the situation, one guy and one girl. Both friends of mine. Being good friends of mine, I was lucky enough to know the perceptions and their respective story from both the sides. Coming back to the story, my friend and the lady in this story were really close and best friends since college. Of course I hope best friend doesn’t lead to a brand recall for Karan Johar’s Kuch Kuch Hota Hain… (eeiiissshhhh!!!!).

Really good friends, liked each other as friends for sure. Did have love for each other at certain periods of time, but unfortunately, in each cases, the synchronization didn’t match. When the guy liked the girl, the girl was involved somewhere else. Guy moved on and started looking for other options, but by then the girl was free. Guy doesn’t realize. Girl moves on. Guy suffers and wants to come back but the girl is not willing. She has other commitments. This goes on for the entire period of college. Yet they stick it out cos they are really good friends. Typical case of Harry met sally, or for the hindi audiences, the rani and saif starrer, Hum Tum, but with a twist.

Pass out from college, they are still in touch for the next three years. Really in good touch, talking everyday, about everything. In this duration both are thinking of getting married. But the guy likes her and wants to get married. Girl thinks rather than marrying a stranger, she should marry the guy. This is pinching the guys “male” ego. They talk a few times and discuss thoughts of getting married. Leave it marinated, but don’t put it into the oven. Guy goes abroad. Girl missed guy and vice versa. But girl is smart, moves on, has a new friend in her life and soon the broth is simmering here, while the previously marinated dish is in the freezer.

Guy returns, notices a change in behavior. Gets suspicious but then tells himself that he is probably being orthodox, and trusts the girl. Keeps in touch the way they were but he knows it somewhere internally that things are different. He decides to play with it.

He goes abroad again, come back after a longer period only to notice him self being given the second class citizen treatment. He decides he has had enough. He reduces the frequency of calls hoping she would figure out that he is back and is displeased. She doesn’t. Guy then tells her one day to speak only when she has the time for him and not when she is doing anything and everything under the sun.

Days convert to weeks and guy is overburdened at times with the thought on this matter, but not very stressed. Says what the f*&, we’ll see.

Next comes the holocaust, when the girl one day is talking to the guy and the guy asks her if there was some thing that she has been hiding. Of course the guy has got an idea and strong intuitions. The bombing of Hiroshima & Nagasaki. Girl tells him, I am getting engaged. Says sorry for having hurt the guys feelings and doesn’t talk much. Guy is stunned, at a loss of word, but as good friends gives her good wishes, and says that he would like to talk about their previous marinated relationship in the evening. Evening never comes and days pass by again. Guy tries to throw attitude by not taking her calls but eventually succumbs to the temptation and calls back, only to not talk properly.

Guy comes to me and discusses.

Analysis:
Wonderful case of male ego and chauvinism that’s is fucking up his mind up. He knew that the girl was not the ONE but yet he played on. Male ego hurt because he is at the receiving end, or at least he thinks he is. Didn’t want to get married for sure but the idea of his trust being misused is pissing him off.

Coupled with a genuine hurt from the girls side. But being the guy counselor, I’m not surprised that once again a woman has fucked up some ones mind, which is consistent behavior. Don’t blame the girl for getting married, but do blame for not handling the situation properly.

Being the guy from consulting background, I decide to do a brainstorming. Try to create a flowchart of events and doing a root cause analysis to understand the pain points and possibly give a road map ahead.

Given below is the crude form of the preliminary notes taken.

What went wrong?

You did like the idea of falling in love.
You were excited with the prospect of marrying some one from college which would amaze a lot of people.
You loved the idea that people would like it and this would make you more popular (you are a jack ass on this one mate!!!)
Despite friends telling you to give the commitment or the go ahead, you never did.
You just didn’t want to do it. Why?You were confused whether you actually liked her.
You were confused about the reaction from your home.
You were confused because she was vegetarian. (Lollzzz…!!!)
You dint like her cos she didn’t love you. She believed in the fact that rather than marrying a stranger, she would prefer marrying you because she knew you. This was unacceptable for you. You wanted love and nothing less.
She was not very attractive physically.
Gradually you were abroad for most of the time.
You didn’t really think you would marry her.
You were hoping that she is not waiting for you.
You were hoping that something comes up and she gets engaged so that you have one less reason to blame yourself and instead put the blame on her.
Yet, you always thought of her.
Now she is getting married. She has had an affair behind your back, when you were away.
She didn’t communicate it to you in the proper way.
All this time she hid it from you.
She didn’t take consent from you. Was she required to do so? Not at all! .


You are pissed off because
you are less important in her life.
May be She didn’t communicate it to you properly
All this time you saw it happening it beneath your nose but you didn’t pay heed to it.
You named it as trust and turned a blindfold to it.
You feel your trust has been cheated
You are not getting the attention
You are jealous and envious (man you are such a girl)
You feel cheated because at one point of time she spoke to you regarding marriage and then never spoke again. But all this time you thought you had something going on with her when actually she was sipping a cocktail with someone else.
She thinks she is smart by just acting cool.
She is happy and you are not
She doesn’t have the balls to speak to you in an honest manner and wants to avoid the confrontation. (Of course she doesn’t have balls you idiot.. she is a she…. !!!)
Your other friends knew about it but didn’t tell you about it…
You are suddenly thrown this news of her engagement
You are feeling claustrophobic.
You have to smile when you feel like crying
With every congratulation message, you face a blow in your stomach as if you are in the boxing ring.
She is so fucking concerned about her happiness, that she doesn’t sense the disappointment and sadness in your voice.
She is not bothered about you now and she doesn’t talk to you
When she talks its as if whatever.
You are not a part of her life.

Cheer up!!
Who gives a shit. Let her fuck off.She was not the one and you knew it very well. Definitely.
If she tried to act smart, let her. Small thinking.
She is selfish and she has right to that.
She is losing out on a good friend. (that’s you)You deserve some one better.
You anyways have to let go of her some day.
May be this is that day.
You didn’t want to get married to her, be honest to yourself and this is good that it is this way.
Let her move on.
You have to let go of her.
You are too busy with your life and career.
She is miniscule in comparison to the spectrum of your life
Anyways you knew it from the start that she couldn’t possibly wait for a time frame that you wanted to wait for.Its good, you don’t get blamed for the murder and yet your objective is achieved because of some one else.

Road ahead
Remember from past experience
Just move on. It was probably not meant to be.
Perhaps you would realize this some time later. May be it was good for you as well.
The girl is practical. You are emotional. That is the difference. Get over it.
Remember the dialogue in Dil Chahta hain when Amir Khan instigated Saif to go and fight with his girlfriend. He says “Be a man! Mard ban”
See, the reality is that she has made a choice and of course you are not in that picture.
You wanted it to be that way as well but your ego is coming in between.
Tell her why you think she is wrong and what has hurt you.
Eventually she would say sorry and you would suck up to the candy.
But by then it would not make a difference to you.
And for godsake, you are not love lost.
You are the captain of the ship, who has seen many storms. This is yet another small storm.
You knew it was coming.
Just face it now and get over with it.

The goddess of good looking, attractive females awaits you in the beach, slithering in the golden sand and awaiting for your arrival.
Cheers..!!!

Confessions of an infidel mind

Well what do we write upon today? I guess it’s been a long time since my last post. As much as I have been guilty of neglecting this part of my life and being too involved with the new job, yet for the past few months, I have been debating as to what is it that I’d like to write upon.

Perhaps, in the past I have written basically on human nature and relationships and perhaps on the vulnerability of the human mind. Walking in the evening after the rain, I was just brooding on the angle of things that I have written. I have often written on how we as humans justify our own actions and at times we have relationships that are more to satisfy our personal and physical needs or perhaps that at times, there are relationships that have no names and yet they do exist. Not getting into the debate of morality and right or wrong, I decided to look into the issue from a different angle. What happens when you are at the receiving end? How do you deal with it? What happens when you are the one who is not part of something but you have to bear the brunt. The burnt taste that makes you squirm in disgust. The confession. The betrayal. How do you face the Judas of your relationship.

Well I promise I wouldn’t give some long drawn philosophy but I’d say that the betrayal is the toughest part to handle. Coming to accept the fact that your partner has cheated on you is what perhaps makes you fall like a castle of cards intricately balanced over the years. All relationships exist on some basic trust and understanding and one of the implicit meanings of any relationship is commitment, a commitment of staying together and not straying over and crossing the line. While crossing the line itself has its own parameters and boundaries and the line is vague and abstract, often it starts with some thing we all think of as harmless and friendly, but somewhere, the faith and trust is breached.

I often, at one point of time used to believe in things such as honesty, trust, truthfulness. Like people say in bollywood and surprisingly Hollywood flicks as well, on how a relationships should be based out of trust and honesty. At one point of time, I thought that perhaps these are the correct measures to gauge a relationship and keep it going stable. I felt that as a partner in a relationship, I should know everything. However, not getting into the series of events that later changed my perception on the matter, I soon realized that we often say these things to show how open and understanding we are. Perhaps they sound good on movies or as theories and to some extent in reality, but in the end and in the long run, it depends. I’d say that in our bid to be the so called good human being, the one who is so amicable and correct, we try and cover up our real feelings and try to put a lid on them. Another reason why we say things such as honesty trust etc is to safeguard ourselves from something we don’t want to hear something in the long run or perhaps at a later stage. Or, the fact of learning something about our partner from some other source, that puts in an embarrassing position and so we say that in such cases, its better to hear the news of infidelity right from the horses mouth.

I did feel that way but perhaps after a few events, I realized that it indeed is tough to take the news and gulp it down, be it before or after. It’s not just about sexual promiscuousness but rather about unfaithfulness. Yet, coitus-aduterinus is most hard to accept.

The fact remains that I some how feel it is difficult to accept the fact that your partner cheated on you. When you remain committed to a relationship and the partner cheats, it creates havoc in your mind and emotions. Like the waves that crash across the rocky sea shore, it keeps on making you ponder on questions like why, what for, bringing in a nauseating feeling about the whole issue. Your partner may some time feel that he or she has done the right thing by letting you know and accepting his or her mistake, and getting off the hook and guilt. Doing what is correct perhaps, for whatsoever reason, once you are on the receiving end, of the news, makes it difficult for you. And perhaps considering the male ego, it makes it all the more difficult for men to accept if their women have cheated on them. While I don’t want not sound like a male chauvinist, and I do understand that perhaps in the Indian society, men get undue advantage, and it does happen at times that a man committing adultery or cheating on his partner is still something that gets to be a mere mistake on part of men, but when a women has an illegitimate affair, it is considered as a heinous sin, often leading to a ostracization socially or in the relationship in itself. A woman is looked upon in a derogatory manner. Unfair but yes, for most parts of the Indian society it does happen that way.

However, not getting into this aspect, I’d say that irrespective of the gender, it is a very natural human emotion of being hurt and not coming to terms with the fact that your partner cheated on you. Perhaps the partner might be doing the right thing by telling you the truth and asking for forgiveness or whatever, and logically you should be saying its ok but it doesn’t happen that way many a times. You just can’t get to terms with this fact.

It is easy to tell others that the positive side of such a confession to others as I have done innumerable time, saving my friends who more than once used my services. Little did I know how difficult it would be for them. Ironically, when the winds of change started and I found myself in a desert storm, hell turned lose. I realized that doing everything right was just not right enough, and the fact that despite the near perfect relationship, I couldn’t come to taking it properly and aptly. I found it to difficult to practice what I had once upon a time preached. Moving on and thinking that time would make me get through this phase, but it was indeed difficult. Perhaps the first time being ambushed with such a situation, you realize that the real devil lies in your own mind which doesn’t let you rest in peace and ignore. Even if you compromise, it makes you realize everyday for a long time on the fact that how expensive that compromise may have been. The weakness is to accept what you hate accepting. Its like you being violated repeatedly everyday and the facts being thrust on your face. You can squirm or turn your back but it just refuses to leave.

When you love a person but at the same time you can’t make it as your weakness to compromise. Perhaps, one of the partners feel better and for once they think they did the right thing, but being at the receiving end, you come up with issues like why, the reason for justification and then the thought of betrayal. Somewhere in reality, even if these issues are not the actual issues, it’s the core human thought of self centeredness that doesn’t allow one to move on. I wouldn’t know if it is case of male ego or rather simply something very primeval in both men and women, but its was more as one partner was more relaxed and had abruptly transferred the entire burden onto the other. You just have to live with it. You either compromise or you change the equation of your relationship but I guess in very few and rare cases, the relationship moves as before.

Today, I think that perhaps somewhere deep down, I don’t want to know the reality. Call it a coward thing but perhaps it saves me and safeguards me from things which might happen and I don’t want to know. You just come to terms to the fact that at the end of every such storm, it just wrecks havoc on your mind making you all the more weaker and distraught.

Just go there and enjoy. I guess, there are things you just cant control, but whatever you can, do that.

I gotta feeling that you just avoid and as they at times, Ignorance is bliss.

Sex & the (so)ci(e)ty

Another evening as usual, away at home away from the scorching heat of Delhi, lazing away to glory and wondering how to get a respite and perform something constructively. I call up a friend of mine and after a few minutes of tête-à-tête, somehow we end up discussing about social networking platforms like Orkut. My friend, informs me innocently about the darker side such forums and how she accidentally stumbled upon a few profiles that ranged from nudity to pornography to obscenity. With a quite little smirk on my face, I reply her that yes, it happens and such things do exist and the fact that you just don’t get so paranoid about it. None the same, as in cases with a number of women, she got all the more paranoid (pun intended!!!!), she mentioned that there were severe consequences , that how the society is degrading towards ruins and how something should be done. While I kept quite for some time and I encouraged her to go on and express more freely, she informed me how children for one may be affected and further how all these mediums should be banned. As thought out, it was a discussion on sex and morality. Mediums not only like social networking but further other things as pornography and nudity related. While I wouldn’t be formulating an opinion on these issues in terms of endorsing right or wrong, but there were things I did wanted to express but was failing to link them up in a string.

To begin with I did agree with the fact that these issues have dire consequences on the minds of children. Agreed. They do. But perhaps, out rightly banning things doesn’t make things better. While we take children as an excuse, I also believe that it’s the so called values instilled in children from their parents that determine their future and not the so called legislations or bans. Parents have to play the right role to look after their children. I’m sure its not much to ask.

At the end of the day, one has to realize that the only reason why such darker sides of medium exist is because they have a demand. Whether it is the minds of a pervert or a psychopath as you might think but these things exist in the minds of lots of people like you and me, but perhaps to some extent. Nudist, voyeuristic images are things that lot of people do look into. Similarly, pornography also has its buyers. The lines to demarcate issues is usually difficult and I for one would not do that. We, as a society in India make a fuss about lots of things. Whether it is FTV showing nudity or it is AXN showing adult content or perhaps Shilpa Shetty getting infamous for the kiss from Richard Gere.

The so called darker side exists in all most everyone to some extent and it is a matter of perception how we look at things. For some FTV may appear to be a matter of nudity and obscenity while others may take it as fashion. Every one has different levels of acceptance for different things.Further, as I rambled on explaining things, I couldn’t help getting a view about various moral policing factions such as Shiv Sena, Bajrang Dal and the likes. While I also did feel that the so called “aping the west” is perhaps more dominant in metros due to the greater level of exposure, and the fact that in typical smaller cities of the country, the so called orthodox thinking exists due to the non exposure and perhaps acceptability. All the same, another contrary thought was that why do we need to blame and discriminate cities just because of being not so adapt and accepting. It would be incorrect if we were to say that tier II and III cities are backward. Today the media has penetrated to an extent that in far flung villages with remote infrastructure, you have the satellite beaming channel V and the likes. To look at it from a different sight, morality is a thin line based on the perception of people. Is it that smaller cities are more moral than the metros. Acts of so called immorality exist their as much as it exists in bigger cities. Perhaps the only difference is that it is pretty much under the shields, whispers and garbs where as it is not so in the metros. Perhaps that in bigger cities, people are more accepting and adapting. But let’s leave aside the war of the cities for a moment. The point I was saying is that it is not a matter of where you hail from. Things exist everywhere, be it a big city or a small city. To explain my friend, I took the example of swinging and how it is a rampant practice that exists in the society. That doesn’t imply that swingers should be banished. Yet at the same time I don’t exactly endorse them as well.

The enforcement of will of a few people extrapolated to a generalization as the will for the collective benefit of the society is not the definitive arrangement for the sustenance of the general well being of any society. Talking about society, if we come to think about it, the Indian society is a suppressed society. We are the land of Kama Sutra, but we dare not speak about sexual escapades. Sex is a taboo that is kept under the sheets. Call it hypocrisy but we prefer to indulge in all the sexual adventures but we prefer to keep tight lipped about it. This is the so called hypocrisy. In our country, you would probably have people shouting on top of their voices on issues in public, that they personally take part in. This is the irony.

People, at times, just need their two minutes of fame at times. At other instances, people want to be in accordance with the so called moral standards formulated by the society. To bask in the warmth of the satisfaction derived from being in consonance with the will and might of the majority. People would so ardently burn effigies and do extreme things and formulate opinion in public, but perhaps when it comes to irregularities exposed upon a personal introspection, we either , make an exception or conveniently distort the truth. This is the irony and the hypocrisy that exists.

We need to understand as a society that merely by banning or social ostracization of people, we can’t bring an end to the various morality related issues. Somehow the society tends to unfold and bring around ways to resurface. The more we suppress, the more it tends to emerge from a different corner in a different form, perhaps in an evolved matter.

At times, a few people and specifically referring to the moral policing entities mistaken themselves that they have a great task at hand to guide the people in our country and society at large in a manner that they deem correct. Further, they mistaken themselves to be the custodians of the so called great Indian culture which they deem is fading away into oblivion due to the increasing exposure to the so called western influx. Like a specie, on the verge of extinction, they take dire steps to safeguard and protect the values of Indian culture. But then my mind says, why do we need to do that in the first place and secondly, who are these people. Who gave them a right to benchmark as the standard for Indian moral values. Since time immemorial, every society has evolved. This evolution takes place only when different cultures mix and there is a cultural amalgamation or a potpourri. A stagnation in a society leads to gradual degradation. On a challenging note to the moral policemen and the morally virtuous people, are we so insecure about our own culture and values and ethics that we need to safeguard to prevent it from extinction. If we are so strong, why do we need conformance? Or is it that since you can’t be a part of certain practices, that is why no one should.

What I believe is that different things, aspects, practices exist in the society but we live with them. At the end of the day people should decide for them selves what is write and wrong. Why make a moral judgment about any such issues. Are we so sensitive as individuals that we are psychologically damaged to see a celebrity kissing on stage. Or we are perhaps traumatized to see any aspect of public display of affection. The Operation Majnu that occurred in Meerut, where couple having there moments of privacy at parks were lathi-charged, abused, publicly disgraced are only images of a weak democracy and society that we send out to the world. Perhaps people have to much of free time for all this. I’d say that even if they did, why form an opinion at all. Regarding the harm aspect, I believe regarding the harm aspect, let people decide what is correct for them rather than factions of political factions deciding it. Nudity on FTV or any other channel is just a click of the remote to avoid. We as a society find it too painful to press that button, but we find it easier to take out morchas and andolans, disrupting traffic and creating legislations. I wonder when we would act like matured people and accept things the way they are. When would we be given the right to decide the good for us. When would personal opinion be respected and more importantly, difference of opinion would be accepted...

When love and hate collide

Aah! You’ll probably gasp in joy as you read the title and for an instance close your eyes and go through the Def Leppard song. I remember being an ardent listener of this song way back 2000, the year when I finished school and stepped out in to the outside world. The cold and chilling, practical and hostile world where every man should learn to survive. Over the years of engineering and MBA, while innumerable lessons have been learnt, I today preach the sermon on the vulnerability of the human mind once again. No, I don’t sit with dreamy eyes on the edge of my bed with a flower in my hand and whispering nervously like a virgin, “she loves me! she loves me not!”. I’m sure and sorry to disappoint you but I did turn out to be smarter at birth and perhaps that virtue stuck on with me through my adolescence and maturity( “ If so, I may rightly proclaim).

Well, coming back to the title, I was just wondering on whether the human mind is fragile and fray enough to succumb to the love of a person to an extent that he has to forget the follies of the person. Can you love a person and yet hate them as well. Good lord, people would probably think of my as one to be stored away in an asylum. Yet, all the same, out of all the so called wisdom that has been emanating from my beard, I presume, this one has taken a lot of my time and analysis.

On one hand we have people to whom you talk about love and they have a picture of hearts falling from the sky and cupids dancing and everything is so idealistic. People are ready to sacrifice their entire past and present for one go at the so called fantasy land, a place where there is something called true love. Pardon my intended sarcasm and mockery of such souls, due to my personal biases, but nonetheless, they dream and hope for the state of perfect contentment. For these individuals, life is like a movie, perhaps notting hill and these people no less than Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts, they wish for one, where commitment leads to contentment. Aptly, the title “And they lived Happily ever after” fits perfectly into the picture like the last page of fairy tales we read as children.

But that is perhaps what lot of people dream for and very few achieve. While I don’t believe in any form of arbitrary generalization, yet, in most cases, the stark reality is different. People meet and see the best sides of each other. We see any what we want to see and based on our requirements, aptly create a match between what we want to see and what we see at that time. Later, when there is everything we need in order to make ourselves happy, we realize that despite the commitment, the so called contentment is not there. Why? Simply because there is a mismatch between the perceived and the actual reality. We simply don’t try to see the other side of the person. Every individual has shades of grey, a set of virtues and vices. While we are in love with a person initially, we see only the good things of that person. We are so attuned to the virtues about the person we love is that later when we get into a long term commitment or an institution like marriage, we are not in a position to handle the grim reality that the person you love so much has a different side which you were perhaps unaware of or rater you conveniently turned cold shoulder to.

If I tell you now that the people whom I love the most are the ones I hate most as well at times, how would you react. Accept it, not react to it or simply deny it. But somewhere down the line there is some truth in what I say. We think that the people we love are subjected to unconditional love of specific intensity irrespective of what situation may arise. We exult chants of magical and undying love, where we’d do anything. But when it really comes to the long run, when you are talking about not just day or nights but years or an entire lifetime, there are times that the person you love so much is the one you’d probably despise and loath at times. These are the people on whom you may be angered, or perhaps hate them.

While hate may be a harsh term at times and in certain cases, yet what I’d say is that my liking for people fluctuate daily. One instance I really like a person and another instance I might not. My liking for a person changes. At times, I remembered the quote “The fun is in the chase”. Come to think about it but perhaps the lady love you were crazy about no longer appeals to you. Why do marriages lose charm at times. Why do we have so many discussions on reigniting passions in a marriage that is failing.

Perhaps a slight indication towards what I’m saying and the fact that I’m not abnormal when I say that I get bored of my girl friend. While this is definitely not an acceptance speech of my commitment, disappointing all the young beautiful single ladies, and I still maintain that I'm pretty much single, yet, I’d say that this really happens. Your liking for your girl friend, wife, or family relatives changes and we are perhaps not aware of this ourselves. Happens with me. In my limited interaction with women, my fascination for them ends very soon. My best friend has to incur my wrath at times and at times so do I. There are innumerable things in her that I probably hate and want to change. There are times when simply dislike her for everything and yet somehow, we sustain.

Think of it, the people whom you love are the ones whom you know the most intimately and closely. While there may be some facets that you may love, there may be equal number of things that you may find repulsive or irritating at times. At times, this becomes prolonged which may be lead to severe personality disorders at times. Harsh irritation, violent behavior, undue aggressiveness are all facets that occur and usually unknowingly.

I guess part of human nature, people whom we love most are the people from whom we expect most and at times get angry upon. In fact I’d say, when we talk about long term relationships and institutions, it is not the ability to love a person continuously with same intensity that counts, rather it is the ability to sustain the journey through all the ups and downs that matters. Knowing that your partners may have his days of sunshine and gloom in context of his or her liking for you. Going on despite everything is what really matters.

The Twins....... Coming Soon....
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